early spring

 I was sleeping deeply and soundly. The hum of the heater sounded from the ceiling, our bed comforter wrapped tightly around me. The sun was just rising. I sometimes sleep my deepest during these early morning hours. The new sunlight touches my ear and spreads to my cheek, vivid dreams color and weave around my brain. This particular morning I was holding a baby. It was brand new and swaddled tightly in a blanket. I remember this intense, endless love I felt for it. It was irresistible, this love. So much happiness illuminated from me and I had this deep understanding of how much of a gift this little body was to me. All I wanted to do was protect and hold my precious treasure. 

I wake up feeling sad and confused. I've never dreamed of a baby like this before nor did I realize how much my heart and body yearned for another little one. I assumed this was what the dream meant. We had this plan to wait and try for more children after summer ended. This plan we talked about---- plans sometimes are silly to me, they take away from the excitement of just feeling life as it goes- letting experiences and next moves unfold freely and organically. Anyway, I get out of bed making patience my mantra for the day. Patience.

A few days pass and I leave my house and start running down my road. I usually run to this particular sign and then turn around. I run and run feeling high as I begin to sweat--those therapeutic qualities of moving my body like this start to take over. Music is playing in my ears. My sun glasses provide a certain privacy and intimacy to my exercise ritual that I love. I run and run and run and then I have a desire to walk. I enjoy walking too, so I listen. I walk and walk and walk and then all of a sudden I overwhelming know it. It hits me right there out of nowhere. I am pregnant. I am. I can feel it in my body.  With each step I take forward, I can feel that change is occurring inside me. It is blossoming and growing and opening up. My dreams are even telling me so.

It's confirmed a few nights later during dinner time. We start eating our tacos and Kyle says just go take the test. I feel nervous and excited. I leave my plate of food and walk up the stairs. I pee on the stick.  Two blue lines appear almost instantly and I yell for Kyle, it's true! He comes upstairs and we look at this new piece of information- this life changing realization and nervously giggle, hands over our mouths--eyes smiling. We are going to have another baby. What are we going to do?! Then we hug and kiss and laugh and kiss and I realize in that moment we already know what to do--the answer so deeply rooted in simply loving each other.

notes lately

 " In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. 
  In all the world, there is no love for you like mine."  -Maya Angelou

"While I feel inspired by and sure of my lifestyle in the giant, oceanic sense, I indeed have waves of doubt and insecurity. It's remarkable that I can feel lost when moving in the right direction with a functional compass." -Nici Cline

"I wish people would stop judging each other and stop tying their self worth to a paycheck."

"Trust your gut, go with your instincts."

 "Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard."- Anne Sexton

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple." - Jack Keronac

A small medley of quotes that have gathered in the pages of my notebook the past couple months. Randomly assorted throughout- layered in between other notes that I scribbled out in an effort to declutter my brain and make my handwriting better. 

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I wasn't quite sure how to start this, so I figured I'd just begin by saying the gray skies that have been hanging around here for the last few days have lifted and the light blue that now canopies above us is absolutely stunning. There is not a cloud in sight and the color contrasts so well with the white snow on the ground. I knew it would be like this. I saw the sunrise this morning and I thought to myself, today is going to be beautiful. 

I feel as if I have come out of a bit of a hibernation this week. As if recently I was huddled deep inside a winter flower that has now bloomed to see the blue skies too. My body unfolding with the petals and standing up strong in the bright light. I breath in the fresh, cold winter air and shake out my hair with a smile on my face. 

We have been waiting patiently to hear from jobs and schools. And finally we have heard a little bit. A decline from a school, which is fine. There are a couple more that may give my man a chance and we shall see probably in the next few weeks what they think. And if they say, "so sorry, but thank you for considering us as your next step in your career", we will smile at each other and drink a beer and go on a bike ride because after all we are not completely convinced we need them anyway.

And job inquiries and other meetings will be veering my family down south shortly too. Nothing may come of these. But they are possibilities. They are opportunities. They are rejuvenation. They are platforms that may brew about inspiration and guidance as we press on together. They are flowers opening up to light shining in.

defrosting

The official day to spring arrived with warmer winds and a blue sky full of those beautiful, puffy clouds. The ones that as a kid made my imagination wonder- the ones that as I get older still make my imagination wonder. I went on a nice long run through town that day. My ears heard my music loud and my funky leggings graced the main street proudly. I ran fast and confidently embracing the sweat that ran down the sides of my forehead and the warmth of the sun as it pierced through my t-shirt and touched my shoulder. It seemed with each step I took I could feel a rejuvenating effect occurring. It was as if the shift in seasons was giving me consent to recalculate. Tulips were even starting to bloom in the park.

More snow came the next day, though. I've been wondering about those tulips. May be they just withered down once the snow hit and will reshape when it warms up again. Like humans, those flowers must be resilient beings. I can't wait to go back and check on them.

 Sage makes me laugh. She is so precious to me. I know her little body is excited to get back outside so she can play and run fast. Running fast around our apartment is a favorite hobby of hers. Not only does she enjoy "running fast"- she also enjoys making random fake burp sounds. She'll make the sound- giggle- and then let us know she "burped". I think she may have picked this up from her new little friends.

Before I became a mother, I always thought I would enjoy the baby stage the most with my children. I was actually scared and turned off with the idea of being a mother to any kid above the age of two. I see now my whole thought process with that was all wrong. While I will always treasure my baby Sage- I absolutely love watching her grow. I love watching our own relationship grow.

I see more and more she is just like me. We are obviously on different paths, but the two of us together are figuring out this life thing. We are both eager to learn and full of wanderlust.

And besides her eyes still give me glimpses of the days when she was a baby. They're still blue and shaped like almonds and make me feel like I am the most beautiful person to her. Sometimes I feel a little sad when she looks at me like this because I sense she thinks I have all the answers, but I just don't.

the end of July

 Kyle's days are long right now. He's up early and in late. I've been helping him more and more with harvesting vegetables.  I even tested harvesting this week with Sage around, but it's a bit hard to pick beans and cucumbers with a curious almost  two year old wandering all over the place. Because of this I tend to help out during her naps. She usually will rest for about two hours, so this gives me time to get dirty and sweaty and knock some items of the To Do List.

The work is hard- especially right now in the heat. But, damn, it makes my body feel so good. Today as I picked away, I listened to my music, watched as my sunscreen lathered arms turned a deeper golden brown and thought about how grateful I was for the farmers hat I somehow acquired a few years back.

Our daughter discovered the sky this past week. She acknowledges its presence every time we go outside together, and wants so badly to hold the moon and clouds. I tell her that her middle name means moon and she looks at me with bright eyes full of love and appreciation. I think she's starting to understand the connection.

She's also been busy pushing around her little eggplant and her little cucumber in her stroller. Kyle gave these miniature vegetables to her as a gift from the garden. He told her they were small like her- so now she treats them, along with the rocks she has collected from the driveway, like her baby dolls. They are her precious gems, and she is such a good mamma to them.

Her overall enchantment with the world right now is pretty inspiring and entertaining to watch. The birds and butterflies!...the ants and dandelions!... the rocks and trees!....the clouds and airplanes!- all bring so much excitement to her little being!  My body fills up with joy when I hear her make dramatic noises like...Ahhh!...or...Wooahh! when we are outside. I know now to get  ready to answer questions after these noises come out of her mouth. "What is that?" and then "Why?" are asked pretty frequently, sometimes, honestly, a little too frequently.

But her enchantment with everything really has made me stop and recognize the beauty in these objects again, too. Thank you, baby girl, for that. I'm so pleased that I'm able to witness this time in her life- I'm soaking it up and breathing these memories into my body with the utmost intention because I know these early moments of understanding and learning are fleeting, they pass by so quickly, and this world won't always be so astonishing to her.

park lessons

Before Sage went to sleep last night she climbed up beside me on the couch and sang a song in my ear. Her song was made of some words I understood, but mostly words she made up on her own. She sang softly- close to a whisper- while tugging on my hair and gently rocking her head back and forth. My heart grew even deeper in love with her at that very moment, I could have sat there all night listening to her sweet little voice in my ear.

Her song lasted for about a minute before she was too sleepy to continue on. She put her head on my shoulder signaling to me it was time for books and bed.  Of course, I listened to her queue because these babies grow so fast and take in so much during the day, they need all the rest they can get.

With almost two years of life experience under Sage's wings, I'm enjoying the transformation she is currently making from baby to toddler. Her little body is thinning out and her legs are growing longer. She moves swiftly around outside- running fast and confidently in the grass. She has acquired the balancing skills needed to bend down and explore the earth whenever her heart desires.  She babbles a lot, which is the cutest thing. And she has become very intrigued with rocks, tractors, horses, butterflies, cows and chickens. These are some of her favorite things.

She hugs us tight and loves us fiercely. When she is upset- she expresses it passionately.  I like this too. I'm learning to deal with moments like these more effectively- and, honestly, sometimes I just take in her emotional breakdowns with amazement. I think to myself...'This child of mine is so full of beauty and emotion - look at her expressing her feelings, she feels so free with me'.  

I've decided the "terrible two" phase is a product of little kids understanding life a bit more now, but still not having the verbal abilities to express fully what they are thinking. I think in some instances there is a lot of frustration built up inside their little bodies because of this. They want so badly to say what they are feeling, but don't know how to express it yet.

Physically, too, they are still small and don't move around as well as big kids do. I see Sage observing her fellow park friends intently during our trips there. She studies them like a little anthropologist, and traces their bodies with her eyes as they run freely up and down the playground. These children are so athletic and full of energy. They climb up the slides and soar down them with ease.  Their strong legs pump the swings they are on high into the air. She watches as they swing back and forth, back and forth, their feet nearly touching the leaves in the trees above them. Her need for independence in this manner has bloomed into a full flower these days. She has an ambitious little spirit inside of her.  She is gentle, but she is also ambitious and assertive, and she wants to do what they do!

When it comes down to it, though, she is still too young and fragile. Unlike the bigger kids,  I have to trail behind her as she fearlessly climbs up the playground equipment that is obviously too big for her.  She tries her best to get to where she wants to go all on her own and does a fabulous job of refusing any help I try to give along the way.

Once she makes it to the top,  I watch as she proudly walks over to where the big slides are. This is when her fear creeps in.  At this point she realizes she has reached her limit and decides that type of independence is actually not what she wants right now. She needs help. She needs me again.

In moments like these, I pick her up and take her down the slide with me.  Like Sage's changing body and attitude, I'm understanding my role as a mother is changing a bit as well. Apart from comforting and caring for my girl, which is a trait naturally sewn into many mama's from the moment our babies are placed in our arms, I'm seeing the importance of guidance. I need to guide her along, while also letting her learn on her own. I think the balance of those two elements are important to take note of as a mama. I want my girl to always know I'm there if she needs me, but I also want her to feel free and confident enough to explore and find her own way.

So, this is how I've been approaching our park trips- I've been learning from them. Sage absolutely loves it there and is so tired when we leave.  Perhaps by Fall she will be able to travel around the playground equipment without her mother trailing closely behind her. I think if she could find a way to avoid the scary, big kid slide, she would love this greatly!

xo

history found in a car

Thank you for keeping me and everyone else safe all those years. And, also, of course, thank you for keeping all the treasures I collected over the years safe too. You were so good to me.

Pressing on

 Well another season of learning and growing is on its way. Our nighttime temperatures have warmed up and the likelihood of frost is low, so Kyle and his friend/ coworker have started moving tomato plants from the green house to the garden. These baby plants can now grow freely in open space with the sky above them.

Our windows have been wide open lately.  During the day I love watching my curtains dance wildly around in the wind, and at night we are enjoying the cool breezes that travel in and touch our skin.

 Last week, Sage had fun hanging out with her friends.  Scarlet being one of them- and a chicken being the other.  Sage really likes to try and feed the chicken rocks, so I'm still lost as to why she keeps following Sage around.  But she does. And it's precious to watch, so I hoping this friendship continues.

 Scarlet...or "Goo-gee" as Sage likes to refer to her is always fun to see. "Goo-gee" doesn't exactly like this name. She tells me to make Sage stop, but Sage just doesn't stop. So during our visit last week, I think "Goo-gee"came to terms with her new name and started to embrace it.

"Goo-gee" sometimes gives me a hard time. She feels comfortable with me and likes to rebel and not listen to what I have to say. I'm not good in situations like these. I'm seeing that I don't exactly know how to discipline, or know yet the way I want to approach moments like those.

I know they will occur with Sage because rebelling is only natural for these little ones as they discover more about the world and learn more about themselves. It's apart of growing up and consequently apart of this crazy ride called parenthood- a challenging part to the ride.

I hope I'm ready to handle it when the time comes.

Until then, I'm pressing forward.

My family is pressing forward.

on we go, on we go.

 xo.

spring morning light

On Fridays I'm a mama to three girls for nine hours. Sage and I are in the car early on these mornings making our half an hour trip over to my cousins house to watch her babies for the day. It's a ritual for these little ones to play in their pajamas all morning long. They like to snack a lot and make big messes for me to clean up, of course.  Watching them interact and play together has been really beautiful. They definitely do have disagreements at times, but ultimately, there is a lot of love shared between them.

Every Friday ( on sunny days that is) we like to catch the morning sun as it makes its way through the foyer area of their home. This Friday, the sun pierced in quickly and was strong enough to make my skin feel warmth. The warmth I felt was so appealing... I found myself lying on my back in the middle of the foyer as if I were sunbathing my a pool or ocean. As my body soaked in the warm light; I closed my eyes and stretched out my arms above my head. I could tell this sunshine was doing a good job of energizing and refreshing my inner spirit.

The little tribe of children I was caring for didn't take long to follow suit. They quickly laid down by me and snuggled in close. I told them to feel the sunshine and they laughed at me but didn't move at all. I think they felt the rejuvenating qualities in the suns warm rays, too. They know warmer weather means more time outside, and I think it's safe to say we are all ready to break free from these walls and celebrate springtime.

I just know Sage felt so powerful in this picture. She was so proud to be sitting in this chair with light on her.

2013: free to be wild

Kyle and I spent New Years Eve at a local bar in the town we grew up in. It felt good leaving to go out that night. I had my high heels on and a flower in my hair.  My heart was happy knowing our precious daughter was all clean from her bath. Dressed in her warmest, softest winter pajamas. And, most importantly, was cuddling in the arms of her "Nana" for the night. A person she loves dearly and feels comfortable with.

Kyle and I got in our car to head to the bar and smiled at each other. 

We were free.
Free to be wild.
Needless to say, I was. I drank my rum and cokes and danced and danced. Silly me. I think I may have taken a spill at some point because I have a nasty bruise on my leg. But that is all okay... we had fun, we had fun!

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Yesterday (Finally!) I decided to check the mail once I got to the end of our driveway. Kyle and I need to start checking our mailbox more often because that sucker was filled to the brim. I started going through the letters and saw we had received winter well wishes from a dear friend of mine and from relatives. My friend sent me tea and kind words all the way from Utah. Tears streamed down my face. This mail from these people made me feel so loved at that very moment. It made my little family feel so loved.

I was feeling good about this new year before opening that mailbox. But afterwards- god, I felt even better.

At the moment, I'm feeling energized and driven. I'm excited for upcoming adventures with my family and the plans I have for expanding this passion for photography I have. Kyle taught me awhile ago that it is important to do what you love. So, I'm going to take his advice and do just that.

These two, though.
I'm excited to have more fun with these two this year. I love them both so much.

The three of us will continue to grow and discover together.

And these cute little feet -that were peeking out from the blanket today during her nap, in such a precious way-are becoming wiser and wiser by the minute. They perhaps maybe doing the most discovering this year.