Harvest Moon

(some thoughts here were written months ago)

My days have been busy navigating the summer routines of my job here. The garden work changes seasonally and with this being my first year, I'm seeing the rhythm of the work cycling through for the first time. The Sagittarius in me really enjoys the seasonal work changes and this is the first job I've had since graduating college where the boredom hasn't set in. I keep thinking of ways I can do a better job next year and it's refreshing.

Our garden harvesters, who work mostly alongside Kyle right now, will bring in the goods from the gardens and I will determine what will be processed further and preserved. Chopping, peeling and jarring are jobs that are therapeutic to the people I work with-- and each day the ones that would rather stay inside during these hot summer months sit at the table in our work kitchen and wait to hear from me how they can help with the whole process. Lately I've been in the mood to make pasta sauces. I'll put on some music and pull out three or four cutting boards from the cabinet--put a spread of tomatoes, garlic, basil and onions on the table and together we get started. Our work area fills up quickly with the savory smells of onion and garlic cooking in olive oil. We peel the skins off our tomatoes and add them in the mixture.The sweet and spicy peppers get chopped up and thrown in next, along with squash for the creaminess. Herbs are bundled up and placed in last accompanied by some salt and pepper and honey. The sauce simmers and reduces the rest of the day and the savory smells stream out into the summer air as we leave and enter our work space.

The canning occurs at the end of the day and the final step involves putting the lidded jars filled with sauce in a hot water bath for 25 minutes or so.  I wipe sweat from my face as I use tongs to pull out the finished jars and can't help but feel connected to the past by preserving food with this method. I think of my grandmother often in this kitchen. After I've collected the jars from the water, I wait to hear a little pop letting me know the lid properly sealed. And there it is- the nourishing vitamins from summer tomatoes ready to be consumed in the cold of winter.
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I have a little baby growing in my belly and a brain that can't fill itself with enough words. I've read and reread more books this summer than I think I ever have. They have been a random plethora of reading materials involving eastern spirituality, a gripping memoir of a drug addict who checked himself into rehab and saved his life, the lyrical words of Barbara Kingsolver with Animal Dreams and Prodigal Summer. My first and only parenting book and other novels based on creative living.

Elizabeth Gilbert words were inspiring,

 "...When I talk about "creative living" here....I'm talking about living a life that is driven more strongly by curiosity than by fear."

She goes on to say...

"...creative living is a path for the brave......And while the paths and outcomes of creative living will vary from person to person, I can guarantee you this: A creative life is an amplified life. It' a bigger life, a happier life, an expanded life, and a hell of a lot more interesting life, Living in this manner-- continually and stubbornly bringing forth the jewels that are hidden within you- is a fine art, in and of itself."

I'm grateful to her and people like her that in humble ways pass on the wisdom they have gathered through their own life experiences. They make it clear that life can be a challenge---it can be such a fucking beautiful and sad and thrilling and mundane experience-- but they remind us to keep pushing forward through it all- keep expanding and reaching- keep experiencing- keep finding the colors and goodness.

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I thought of her words as we took off on a plane heading west for a summer trip. I always have a mini panic attack inside myself before flying and as I buckled my daughter in her seat I had scary thoughts dance around in my head. I pushed them away though. What a powerful thing positive thinking is. And you need to be brave to live creativity. The anxiety lifted as the planes wheels left the runway. We flew through the clouds and the whole trip on the other side of the continent was so freeing. We laughed and explored and camped our way down parts of the the pacific coast- all of us wide-eyed with the beauty of it all.

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And months have passed by since I started writing this post. The heat of summer has filtered through and now Autumn is here. The leaves are changing and the Monarchs are out exploring. On the weekends I've been buzzing around my house preparing and nesting for this new baby. I cherish all the little kicks and jabs I feel in my belly and think daily of what a miraculous experience carrying a baby is. I feel like a flower--constantly blooming, blooming, blooming.  Birth is approaching and I'm ready to go on that journey...I'm excited to ride the waves of contractions again and let my body work it's magic naturally and fearlessly. What a thrilling ride it all is.

early spring

 I was sleeping deeply and soundly. The hum of the heater sounded from the ceiling, our bed comforter wrapped tightly around me. The sun was just rising. I sometimes sleep my deepest during these early morning hours. The new sunlight touches my ear and spreads to my cheek, vivid dreams color and weave around my brain. This particular morning I was holding a baby. It was brand new and swaddled tightly in a blanket. I remember this intense, endless love I felt for it. It was irresistible, this love. So much happiness illuminated from me and I had this deep understanding of how much of a gift this little body was to me. All I wanted to do was protect and hold my precious treasure. 

I wake up feeling sad and confused. I've never dreamed of a baby like this before nor did I realize how much my heart and body yearned for another little one. I assumed this was what the dream meant. We had this plan to wait and try for more children after summer ended. This plan we talked about---- plans sometimes are silly to me, they take away from the excitement of just feeling life as it goes- letting experiences and next moves unfold freely and organically. Anyway, I get out of bed making patience my mantra for the day. Patience.

A few days pass and I leave my house and start running down my road. I usually run to this particular sign and then turn around. I run and run feeling high as I begin to sweat--those therapeutic qualities of moving my body like this start to take over. Music is playing in my ears. My sun glasses provide a certain privacy and intimacy to my exercise ritual that I love. I run and run and run and then I have a desire to walk. I enjoy walking too, so I listen. I walk and walk and walk and then all of a sudden I overwhelming know it. It hits me right there out of nowhere. I am pregnant. I am. I can feel it in my body.  With each step I take forward, I can feel that change is occurring inside me. It is blossoming and growing and opening up. My dreams are even telling me so.

It's confirmed a few nights later during dinner time. We start eating our tacos and Kyle says just go take the test. I feel nervous and excited. I leave my plate of food and walk up the stairs. I pee on the stick.  Two blue lines appear almost instantly and I yell for Kyle, it's true! He comes upstairs and we look at this new piece of information- this life changing realization and nervously giggle, hands over our mouths--eyes smiling. We are going to have another baby. What are we going to do?! Then we hug and kiss and laugh and kiss and I realize in that moment we already know what to do--the answer so deeply rooted in simply loving each other.

double rainbow

 The familiarity of home in Maryland was weighing on me a few weeks ago.  For some reason waves of stress and anxiety decided to fill up inside and I began to miss our simple farm life and the endless amounts of tomatoes that would be piling up on my kitchen counter right about now, and I missed my Grandma. But mashed up against these emotions were also genuine feelings of happiness to be living here in this mountain city. There is a lot of life on these streets and so much more exploring to do. You know, it's an interesting thing to want to be in two places at once.

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Kyle and I were finishing up a walk in the woods together as a biker passed us. He was older and looked to be in good shape. He said hello and asked how we were doing, I replied with "great, how about you!" He hollered back at me, "Awesome! Best day of my life!" I loved the contentment and satisfaction wrapped up in his short statement. I want to always find that and hold it close.

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What I need to get over is that there is only something noteworthy about the twenty-something-year-old mind process. I've always thought we are the most bold and free thinking at this stage in the game-- naive too about the world- allowing us to move forward and explore openly and without fear or hesitation. I've thought is was really important to see and do all I could during this time because it would profoundly change the way I viewed the world for the rest of my life. But the truth is- that is not true. That idea needs to leave my body and fly away with the wind because we can and should think boldly and creatively and openly all throughout our lives, and if that is the case, the adventures should never end.

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I'm currently working at a school that Sage attends. She is in a preschool class, while I co-teach a class of three year old children. It's a play-based curriculum and my co-workers have been taught to initiate creative thinking with kids and peacefully break up arguments.  I watch them get down to eye level with the little ones and calmly talk the issues through. I'm always amazed at how well they can sift through the problem and make the situation better. I think, some of these teachers have found their calling and they are damn good at what they do. Me on the other hand, I'm taking notes. Passionately, I am not a teacher like them. Passionately, I am a photographer. But I can try to do this teacher thing for a time period. I can do it.

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Sage is forming friendships with her classmates and seeing them play together on the playground blows my mind. The first moment I saw her little body appear almost four years ago is still so strongly fixated into my memories, I can't believe she is now at this stage -running freely around, her legs moving so fast. Her blond hair is lightening up from the sun and little freckles are forming on her nose. She tells me she wants to grow her hair long and wear earrings. The colorful sentences she speaks gives us just a little view into the world of her thoughts. I think I may always feel pressure within myself to keep fostering that part of her. I want her to always imagine. I want her to always play.

Our living situation is interesting for us. Temporarily we are living in an apartment, but we are not apartment people. I love the comfort that my home-base right now brings my family, but I'm excited to find a small house with a yard. We need a garden, it's weird not seeing Kyle digging in the dirt. He's been resourceful with the space we have, though, and has found ways to utilize his passion for horticulture by creating a compost bin in our sun room and a hydroponic system for a few tomato plants. We even have a herb garden thriving in a small makeshift raised bed. I was just chopping up a few handfuls of basil for a quiche the other night and started laughing at the whole situation.

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The evening sun shines brightly into this space causing the inside to heat up to an uncomfortable  temperature. I find myself sweating and know it's time then to turn the air conditioning on for a bit.  We eat at our kitchen table which we relocated to our living room because of its natural light. Sitting down for a meal together is special and there is no reason to sit and eat in a dark space.

As the sun goes down, I turn off the air. I re-open my windows and a mountain breeze will push in, touching my eyes and cheeks. Soon I can feel it dancing all around from room to room as I get Sage ready for bed.

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The hum of our ceiling fan and the words from my book put me to sleep at night. I like hearing Kyle softly breath next to me and will always envy his ability to fall asleep so easily. His skin is warm and tan from his long days spent outside. Simone makes her little snort sounds from the cool bathroom floor. Sage should be tugging at my toes soon, with her pillow in hand, asking to come in our bed. I'll say yes and she'll snuggle in between us and twirl a piece of my hair the rest of the night with her finger. I'll feel loved and comfortable in that moment and think this is all so ordinary and special.

Southward

We moved to Asheville a few weeks ago. Sage, Simone and I ( Oh! And Sage's fish, Jenny) drove into the area on our own, entering Buncombe County with the Walter Mitty Soundtrack playing. 'Space Oddity' by David Bowie came on right as the waves of blue mountains appeared. I rolled down my windows as he sang 'now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare...' and I felt proud of myself.

I learned taking a grandchild away from grandparents that love the way ours do is not easy. Both sets seemed deeply sadden by us leaving and I was beginning to feel guilty as our moving date approached closer. My boss and I had a beer after my last day of work and I asked him if I was being selfish for taking her away and he said I wasn't- -"you guys are young. Go live and explore and take her with you, it will be good for her." I felt a wave of relief wash over me from his words and finished my beer agreeing. We parted ways a little after that, giving each other a big hug, both acknowledging how great it was that our paths crossed.

I broke down and cried when I gave Ann a hug goodbye. It was an accumulation of all the emotions I had been carrying with me that past week colliding together, I think. In that instance, it hit me that our embrace marked the final end to an era. That was it, we were off. Tears flowed out and letting them felt so right. Once I got back in my car and started driving, I wiped them all away and the wind pouring in through my windows dried the rest up because everything about this drive- this move- felt just as right.

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My low pressure oil light came on while I was traveling down. What the hell does that mean anyway? Having to deal with this with a toddler and golden retriever in the back was not something I felt like doing. I was upset with myself for not knowing more about cars. I was upset with myself for not taking it to get a quick maintenance before I left. I didn't want to end up on the side of the road but still just decided to ignore it for the time being to see if it would turn off. It actually did, too! But then it came back on.

Damnit!! 

I knew I had to deal with it then. I took the next exit and drove to the closes gas station. I saw there was an auto shop next to it and decided to walk on over to see if this was a situation I needed to take care of right away.

I carried Sage on my hip. She was barefoot and confused. The mechanic told me I needed oil and he could help me if I pulled in the garage in the back. I pulled in. He had missing teeth and a thick southern accent. I didn't know if I should like him. I was thankful he quickly put the oil in and showed me where to pay.

I got out of my car and noticed two other men that I didn't see before behind the counter. I could tell the older, heavier one checked my body out as I approached him. That felt gross to me and my gut was nagging at my insides alerting me to beware- it hated the energy in the place. I had to give them my information and I ended up getting a bit testy at the end because this transaction thing was taking too long. I started thinking of how I was going to protect myself if one of them tried putting their hands on me or my daughter. Warrior Mama would have come out, I tell you. I truly believe I would have found the power to hurt them if I had to.

Nothing happened, though. I paid my sixteen dollars and the guys waved me off making my final two hour drive into Asheville worry free.  My sensor light went off and I soared the rest of the way there. I thought a little bit about making prejudgments toward people during my drive, but, really, I'm learning to trust my feelings more and more in situations, and I'm not convinced I made any.
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We drive down a road into the River Art's District after a day of walking around and biking by the river. It is later in the day when the sun is low and bursting with orange hues. This light and the tree branches collide together creating a strobe like effect as we move on forward. We take a turn and see a small group of bikers that look our age heading towards the main city. One of the bikers carries a kid carrier book bag for hiking on her back with her dog comfortably placed in the inside. My heart melted once I saw the dog, it seriously was one of the cutest things I ever seen. The dog seemed so happy in there, so down for the ride, so full of life.

I've been going to yoga again and my body feels that good kind of soreness from it right now. The room we practice in is big and the yoga community is donation based. Whatever you can afford that week is what you pay. No more than $15, $5 is great too.  I sit on my mat and listen to the teacher. She tells us to open our hearts and take note of our breaths. I'm still trying to figure out the breath thing, but I always feel grateful to be there. So incredibly happy I showed up.

beautifully bold

We pulled into the parking lot running a little late. I'm always running a little late. I don't know why I always put myself in this position, but I consistently do. I parked and made my way to Sage in her car seat and told her with excitement, "Look we made it! Here we are again! At the ice skating rink for lessons- aren't you happy and excited?!" And then I see that she actually was not at all. Little tears fell from her eyes as she tells me she does not want to go in. I had to dismiss this and pretend not to hear her. She's been dreaming about ice skating for months and months and has only been to a few lessons so far. I could tell the experience was a bit scary and uncomfortable for her, but I thought, life is just that and she will get through this.

I helped guide her out of the car seat and zipped her coat up to her chin. 'In we go', I say, as I swing her toddler self on my hip always amazed at how well a woman's figure can hold a child right there in that place- like a puzzle piece being matched up with the space it was made for. My heart aches a little in that moment at the realization that my small frame can barely handle the weight of her growing body these days. Time is fleeting as an adult, it wasn't long ago I was nursing her to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night to make sure she was breathing. Now I'm lugging her into a building to glide on ice.

While walking in I notice other women hustling in, exuding a kind of superpower to me that I think would surprise them if I told them this. They patiently carry babies in car seats and on their hips, all while another one trails behind. I wonder how they mange all that without falling apart. I feel so proud of them for showing up because I'm not sure I could do that myself in their position.

Sage and I reach the lobby where I lace up her skates. She stands up and I hold her hand tight as we venture into the main rink area. I guide her to the entrance and bend down to help nudge her on. I see a smile form on her cheeks as she sends the sweetest wave to the classmates she barely knows but confidently calls her friends. I'm feeling like she can really do this as her blades touch the ice and she grabs the hand of her teacher.

I step back- taking notice each time she scans the side wall to make sure I'm there.  Every time our eyes meet a wave of warmth washes over me, I can literately feel the love and gratitude fill my beating heart. I think this connection, this mother- child connection, is so damn fierce. It is so concrete and complex and deep. I'm her comfort and she is my comfort.

And she did really well for awhile, but then her hands got too cold. She wanted to stop and I met her at an opening in the rink and picked her up off the ice. I held her tight and placed a heavy kiss on her cheek. Her comfort wildly protecting and loving her little girl always. She was brave and did all I wanted her to do. Now it was time to get her warm again.

high waters

The rain fell hard in the middle of the night. It pounded on our roof and made it seem like each drop was leaving its own impression on the gravel outside our window. The rush of water created a small pond under the gutter attached to the barn, and gusts of wind blew raindrops in through the window that were cold and surprising as they touched my face and arms. We closed our windows in a bit. Kyle was a little worried about the chickens outside in the field. He rolled over and hoped aloud that their coop wasn't going to hold water. Geeze- me too, I thought to myself. What a terrible sight to wake up to in the morning if that were the case.

Farming is a hard job. And sometimes sad. I think I've mention this before, but it truly is. I've been observing the sad element the most this season as I watch Kyle deal with unwanted animals either killing his own chickens or eating his crops. It's a blow to the spirit when you spend all this time planting vegetables from the greenhouse into the earth and then come out to see they were ruined the night before. All that work...

This year, too, we've had a couple chickens become sick. They seem to be withering away. A call has to be made. Someone has to deal with them and release them from this world. Someone has to dig a hole for their body. Farming is hard and sad sometimes.

We have been waiting patiently for our strawberries to come in. Sage is excited and calls them candy. I let her know it's nature's candy. The best candy. And then I feel this overwhelming amount of pressure to serve her little body right when it comes to the food I choose to put in front of her. She's no longer a baby- I can't just mash up a concoction of super foods with a sprinkle of chia seeds and spoon feed her every single bite.  She's developed a mind of her. A mind that seems to overpower me some days.
 This is part of the hardships of parenting, I tell myself. This is when I learn to fill my body with patience.
 Then a more pleasant moment will arise- a moment where I can sit with my almost- three- year- old and feel her brain taking in my thoughts as I explain the nourishing properties of the food I have for her. I tell her 'this will help your eyes see clearly...this will help your beautiful blonde hair grow down your precious back.'

Summer has arrived. I've been blissfully taking in the last one we will spend here on this farm- I sunbath near the llamas and laugh to myself as they snort at each other behind me. Occasionally I have to scare off chickens that roam around and try to peck me. The whole scenario seems perfect to me, so fitting for this place. When Sage ventures out we talk about dragons that spit out friendly fires. The kind that can painlessly dry up the tears from her cheeks if she happens to fall down and hurt her knees. She believes all the churches in town are castles and likes to pretend she is a bird with glittery wings that can fly high into the trees. I love how she views the world right now. Her thoughts always make my day more beautiful.

defrosting

The official day to spring arrived with warmer winds and a blue sky full of those beautiful, puffy clouds. The ones that as a kid made my imagination wonder- the ones that as I get older still make my imagination wonder. I went on a nice long run through town that day. My ears heard my music loud and my funky leggings graced the main street proudly. I ran fast and confidently embracing the sweat that ran down the sides of my forehead and the warmth of the sun as it pierced through my t-shirt and touched my shoulder. It seemed with each step I took I could feel a rejuvenating effect occurring. It was as if the shift in seasons was giving me consent to recalculate. Tulips were even starting to bloom in the park.

More snow came the next day, though. I've been wondering about those tulips. May be they just withered down once the snow hit and will reshape when it warms up again. Like humans, those flowers must be resilient beings. I can't wait to go back and check on them.

 Sage makes me laugh. She is so precious to me. I know her little body is excited to get back outside so she can play and run fast. Running fast around our apartment is a favorite hobby of hers. Not only does she enjoy "running fast"- she also enjoys making random fake burp sounds. She'll make the sound- giggle- and then let us know she "burped". I think she may have picked this up from her new little friends.

Before I became a mother, I always thought I would enjoy the baby stage the most with my children. I was actually scared and turned off with the idea of being a mother to any kid above the age of two. I see now my whole thought process with that was all wrong. While I will always treasure my baby Sage- I absolutely love watching her grow. I love watching our own relationship grow.

I see more and more she is just like me. We are obviously on different paths, but the two of us together are figuring out this life thing. We are both eager to learn and full of wanderlust.

And besides her eyes still give me glimpses of the days when she was a baby. They're still blue and shaped like almonds and make me feel like I am the most beautiful person to her. Sometimes I feel a little sad when she looks at me like this because I sense she thinks I have all the answers, but I just don't.

in focus

I've been feeling myself being pulled to this little space of mine for weeks now.  Sometimes I wonder exactly what I want to say---and then I start typing and the little roads that seem so hopelessly blocked in my head, open right up. Suddenly I gain a better understanding. I've always envied this 'therapeutic super power' in people that enjoy writing. Piecing together words is not just their art form- but also a means to deal and decipher and make sense of things. I think I'm discovering I may have a little bit of this power embedded in me. I certainly don't know all the proper rules involved with writing, but I do know I appreciate how it makes me feel.

Lately I've been thinking about how good of a decision going back to work was for my twenty something year old self. That and starting to attend work-out classes regularly at my local gym. There is something inspirational and, honestly, a little spiritual I find in working out with a group of middle-aged women. We know very little about each other but share a collective goal in wanting to strengthen our bodies. Together we stretch our heavy resistant bands, listen to hip-hop remixes and watch our curvy selves' move this way and that in the floor-to-ceiling mirror. By the end of the class, we are sweaty and tired, but also rejuvenated and damn thankful we got our asses there.

Parenthood has been an interesting ride recently. There are both challenging parts and such pretty parts. The whole experience is better than I ever imagined- but also a lot harder, too. If that makes any sense. I'm understanding that finding the best road to my own personal growth and goals outside of being a mother isn't the straightest one. There are some side roads I have to get off in order to take the best care of my little girl and family. I need to be patient. That main road will wait around. The opportunity for growth will always be there and I really like that fact.

december picture notes