early spring

 I was sleeping deeply and soundly. The hum of the heater sounded from the ceiling, our bed comforter wrapped tightly around me. The sun was just rising. I sometimes sleep my deepest during these early morning hours. The new sunlight touches my ear and spreads to my cheek, vivid dreams color and weave around my brain. This particular morning I was holding a baby. It was brand new and swaddled tightly in a blanket. I remember this intense, endless love I felt for it. It was irresistible, this love. So much happiness illuminated from me and I had this deep understanding of how much of a gift this little body was to me. All I wanted to do was protect and hold my precious treasure. 

I wake up feeling sad and confused. I've never dreamed of a baby like this before nor did I realize how much my heart and body yearned for another little one. I assumed this was what the dream meant. We had this plan to wait and try for more children after summer ended. This plan we talked about---- plans sometimes are silly to me, they take away from the excitement of just feeling life as it goes- letting experiences and next moves unfold freely and organically. Anyway, I get out of bed making patience my mantra for the day. Patience.

A few days pass and I leave my house and start running down my road. I usually run to this particular sign and then turn around. I run and run feeling high as I begin to sweat--those therapeutic qualities of moving my body like this start to take over. Music is playing in my ears. My sun glasses provide a certain privacy and intimacy to my exercise ritual that I love. I run and run and run and then I have a desire to walk. I enjoy walking too, so I listen. I walk and walk and walk and then all of a sudden I overwhelming know it. It hits me right there out of nowhere. I am pregnant. I am. I can feel it in my body.  With each step I take forward, I can feel that change is occurring inside me. It is blossoming and growing and opening up. My dreams are even telling me so.

It's confirmed a few nights later during dinner time. We start eating our tacos and Kyle says just go take the test. I feel nervous and excited. I leave my plate of food and walk up the stairs. I pee on the stick.  Two blue lines appear almost instantly and I yell for Kyle, it's true! He comes upstairs and we look at this new piece of information- this life changing realization and nervously giggle, hands over our mouths--eyes smiling. We are going to have another baby. What are we going to do?! Then we hug and kiss and laugh and kiss and I realize in that moment we already know what to do--the answer so deeply rooted in simply loving each other.

free falling

I walk in circles around my work desk eating a banana. Twice I walk around limping a bit because my right knee is hurt. The knee was sore and achy before I pushed it through a thirteen mile run and now I'm paying for it. I can feel it healing though. As I move around in my circle eating my banana, I can feel the pain lessening.

The colorful leaves came and now they have fallen. I wasn't expecting to like the looks of these bare trees as much as I do at the moment, but I have to say I do feel comforted by them. I'm liking their rawness, they are so strong to brave these colder months completely naked.

The sun sets as I leave work. There will be a little bit of daylight left once I pull out of the parking lot, but once I hit Eastern Boulevard it is dark and head light after head light shines brightly in my eyes. Lately I've noticed my drive homes being full of thought, my head in the clouds. I'll come to my senses at a point and realize- wow, I've been driving in silence, I got myself from this point and to that point without even realizing it. I'll lose myself again- thinking, thinking, thinking and then before I know it, I'm pulling into my mother-in-laws drive way. I turn the engine off and swallow in the cold, gusty air as I open my car door. Inside I go in search of my daughter so I can give her a kiss on her beautiful rosy cheek.

This weather is forcing us inside but my body doesn't feel like hunkering down, it doesn't feel like covering up. And winter seems to be a time to be sedentary in a sense but my spirit wants none of that.

And it is all very funny because I wrote that a few weeks ago and right now all I want is to be still with my family and watch a festive holiday movie all snuggled up. I feel so grateful for them and to everyone else and it is cold and dreary outside and I am tired.

high waters

The rain fell hard in the middle of the night. It pounded on our roof and made it seem like each drop was leaving its own impression on the gravel outside our window. The rush of water created a small pond under the gutter attached to the barn, and gusts of wind blew raindrops in through the window that were cold and surprising as they touched my face and arms. We closed our windows in a bit. Kyle was a little worried about the chickens outside in the field. He rolled over and hoped aloud that their coop wasn't going to hold water. Geeze- me too, I thought to myself. What a terrible sight to wake up to in the morning if that were the case.

Farming is a hard job. And sometimes sad. I think I've mention this before, but it truly is. I've been observing the sad element the most this season as I watch Kyle deal with unwanted animals either killing his own chickens or eating his crops. It's a blow to the spirit when you spend all this time planting vegetables from the greenhouse into the earth and then come out to see they were ruined the night before. All that work...

This year, too, we've had a couple chickens become sick. They seem to be withering away. A call has to be made. Someone has to deal with them and release them from this world. Someone has to dig a hole for their body. Farming is hard and sad sometimes.

We have been waiting patiently for our strawberries to come in. Sage is excited and calls them candy. I let her know it's nature's candy. The best candy. And then I feel this overwhelming amount of pressure to serve her little body right when it comes to the food I choose to put in front of her. She's no longer a baby- I can't just mash up a concoction of super foods with a sprinkle of chia seeds and spoon feed her every single bite.  She's developed a mind of her. A mind that seems to overpower me some days.
 This is part of the hardships of parenting, I tell myself. This is when I learn to fill my body with patience.
 Then a more pleasant moment will arise- a moment where I can sit with my almost- three- year- old and feel her brain taking in my thoughts as I explain the nourishing properties of the food I have for her. I tell her 'this will help your eyes see clearly...this will help your beautiful blonde hair grow down your precious back.'

Summer has arrived. I've been blissfully taking in the last one we will spend here on this farm- I sunbath near the llamas and laugh to myself as they snort at each other behind me. Occasionally I have to scare off chickens that roam around and try to peck me. The whole scenario seems perfect to me, so fitting for this place. When Sage ventures out we talk about dragons that spit out friendly fires. The kind that can painlessly dry up the tears from her cheeks if she happens to fall down and hurt her knees. She believes all the churches in town are castles and likes to pretend she is a bird with glittery wings that can fly high into the trees. I love how she views the world right now. Her thoughts always make my day more beautiful.

december picture notes

mid march

I've been going through all my old photos lately. I don't know why, but in the mornings my iphoto icon has been doing a good job of luring me in to explore. As Sage runs around, nibbling on her breakfast, I find myself with coffee in hand just smiling and enjoying the happy memories these photos bring.

 I tend to start at the photos taken on the day Sage was born and then move on from there. I sometimes look back on some pictures we took a few days before I went into labor.  My belly was so big and full then. I remember feeling strong at that time and just so, so ready to see her face and examine her little body.

I was especially happy when I came across the photograph above. It was taken last fall when my beautiful friend came home to visit. It's a special little gem in my eyes.

west-side adventure

 Our trip to Seattle passed by so quickly. As I was packing our stuff up to head back east, I couldn't help but take note of the fact I felt like I had just put my suitcase down in the room we stayed in. A room that belongs to my beautiful niece. Her space, which is marked with a crowned "M" on the door, is filled with artifacts that represent her right now at this very time. An abstract lilac painting is taped at the head of her bed. And those glow in the dark solar system stickers are systematically spaced out and stuck tightly to the ceiling above her. They are the last thing her growing mind sees before she shuts her eyes to dream, and are a good reminder that only a roof separates her from a real blanket of stars in the night sky. A book shelf full of children's literature ( her favorite being fantasy) has a little home in her room, along with some American Girl Dolls and a box of the scary miniature paraphernalia that comes along with those dollies. I also noticed a couple play horses, a box of crafts and dress up clothes, a handmade jewelry box, and a dream catcher that dressed up her bedroom window beautifully.

Our trip was so good. One of those good for the soul type ones. The change was good. 

We learned. We listened. We kept our eyes opened wide. We read. We took pictures. We took it in. We even discovered, during some downtime, our love for a game called "Flow". And I also discovered that it is possible to feel motion sickness on a plane (our last plane ride home was quite the bumpy one!)

But, most importantly, we got to hang out with family. Cousins played together. Grown ups cooked and talked and drank wine together.  We got the opportunity to sit through long, drawn out stories by a ten year old with an imagination as big as the universe. We got to see first hand how much energy an almost three year old boy has and the crazy ways he likes to release it. Sometimes it involves hitting...sometimes spitting...sometimes screaming. But, we also got to see him release it in more pleasant ways...like through giggles and through play activities and cuddles with his mama.

Art and nature seem to intertwined and coexist in the fibers that make up Seattle.

The people are creative and so are the little people they are raising.

Big buildings and city culture have always been intriguing to me. Maybe its because I live far from this type of lifestyle. But, I've always wondered what it would be like to live in the middle of all that. There are so many activities to do...so many different people to meet... music to hear...art to see. I mean the list could go on. I think I may always fantasize about living a city life, I'm just not totally sold on it being the right place for us.

But, anyway, we had fun exploring the streets of Downtown!

ornaments! 

The beauty with this city is open space is near. So are large lakes and huge mountain ranges- accompanied by volcanos and old- growth forests. The Seattle folk get the best of both worlds.

...evening walk in Greenlake....

... a morning walk down the street...

...Lake Washington...

........................................
Our time spent in the northwest was very much appreciated by my family.

Our adventure was fun.
...

But, it also, honestly, feels good to be home. 

I'm looking forward to what's next. Whatever that may be.
I know some decorating and re-organizing are in my future plans.