shift in perceptive

It's been 7 months. I'm not sure I have ever been away from this space for that long. The thought of ending the writing crossed my mind at random points - 'what a silly project that was' I thought. Or was it writers block? I couldn't find the right words to write down.

But now I'm here. And I think I have found them.

Nearly a year into Asheville and we decided to veer off somewhere else. The opportunity came out of nowhere and with surprise to us, the final decision to pack up and go was not a hard one. We left behind jobs we disliked and an overpriced apartment. Sadly, new friends, too. But, honestly, it was harder to always be working for the weekend. And the weekends never lasted long enough. Better work options seemed bleak in that town- moving away felt easier. Yesterday evening I heard a lyric by Feist that resonated with me- ' I know more than I knew before. I didn't rest, I didn't stop…' and I thought, damn right girl- that is how I feel about all that.

Mountains are a constant for us. We followed the Appalachians about five hours north to the foothills of Virginia and moved into a 200 year old farmhouse tucked away in the Shenandoahs. Kyle's new position brought us here as he knew he needed to get back into his element. He needed to get his hands dirty again- I feel the garden and greenhouse environment are his 'soul offices'. He has so much passion for them. I'm envious of him because I can't wait to find mine.

There is a therapeutic element to his job and mine as we interact with groups of individuals with a range of disabilities at different times during our week. The social scientist in me is loving these new interactions with people I initially thought were very different from me. Turns out I was wrong- at the core there is no difference. Human beings have emotional hearts and are pretty similar in the end as we universally have an innate desire to feel validated, loved and free.

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A maintenance employee came over to our house the other day to fix molding in our bathroom. He's an older, hairy man. Nice and gentle. Heavy smoker. I can smell it on him and hear that raspy cough that accompanies that habit once its reeled you in so tight there's no way of escaping. Anyway, he lugs in many different types of tools and a can full of white paint. Outside he sets up his saw and cuts molding pieces for the different areas that need fixing up. He works and works and works. He spends most of the day in the bathroom fixing the specific areas. At the end of the day, I came back inside just in time to see the final product as he was finishing up. I was impressed. You are so talented! I tell him. He laughs and I can tell he doesn't necessary believe in the compliment I gave him. But it was true. He is an artist to me. He gathers his tools and puts them back in his red truck. He lights a cigarette and drives off. I imagine him going back to his house to let his dogs out- first grabbing a cold beer from the refrigerator- thinking about making steak and potatoes for dinner.

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I'm understanding how my environments play such a deep role with my personal creative process. The character of the space I live in presently is inspiring to me- after all, I felt the energy to finally sit down and write again. I'm anxious to start taking pictures with my 'big camera'- and go through with building up my photography. I'm excited to round up some new music and to cook with new spices. I've even started dreaming about a baby. First time in four years. I'm not even sure when the right time for that will be, but the idea doesn't seem as outlandish as it has in the past.

Southward

We moved to Asheville a few weeks ago. Sage, Simone and I ( Oh! And Sage's fish, Jenny) drove into the area on our own, entering Buncombe County with the Walter Mitty Soundtrack playing. 'Space Oddity' by David Bowie came on right as the waves of blue mountains appeared. I rolled down my windows as he sang 'now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare...' and I felt proud of myself.

I learned taking a grandchild away from grandparents that love the way ours do is not easy. Both sets seemed deeply sadden by us leaving and I was beginning to feel guilty as our moving date approached closer. My boss and I had a beer after my last day of work and I asked him if I was being selfish for taking her away and he said I wasn't- -"you guys are young. Go live and explore and take her with you, it will be good for her." I felt a wave of relief wash over me from his words and finished my beer agreeing. We parted ways a little after that, giving each other a big hug, both acknowledging how great it was that our paths crossed.

I broke down and cried when I gave Ann a hug goodbye. It was an accumulation of all the emotions I had been carrying with me that past week colliding together, I think. In that instance, it hit me that our embrace marked the final end to an era. That was it, we were off. Tears flowed out and letting them felt so right. Once I got back in my car and started driving, I wiped them all away and the wind pouring in through my windows dried the rest up because everything about this drive- this move- felt just as right.

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My low pressure oil light came on while I was traveling down. What the hell does that mean anyway? Having to deal with this with a toddler and golden retriever in the back was not something I felt like doing. I was upset with myself for not knowing more about cars. I was upset with myself for not taking it to get a quick maintenance before I left. I didn't want to end up on the side of the road but still just decided to ignore it for the time being to see if it would turn off. It actually did, too! But then it came back on.

Damnit!! 

I knew I had to deal with it then. I took the next exit and drove to the closes gas station. I saw there was an auto shop next to it and decided to walk on over to see if this was a situation I needed to take care of right away.

I carried Sage on my hip. She was barefoot and confused. The mechanic told me I needed oil and he could help me if I pulled in the garage in the back. I pulled in. He had missing teeth and a thick southern accent. I didn't know if I should like him. I was thankful he quickly put the oil in and showed me where to pay.

I got out of my car and noticed two other men that I didn't see before behind the counter. I could tell the older, heavier one checked my body out as I approached him. That felt gross to me and my gut was nagging at my insides alerting me to beware- it hated the energy in the place. I had to give them my information and I ended up getting a bit testy at the end because this transaction thing was taking too long. I started thinking of how I was going to protect myself if one of them tried putting their hands on me or my daughter. Warrior Mama would have come out, I tell you. I truly believe I would have found the power to hurt them if I had to.

Nothing happened, though. I paid my sixteen dollars and the guys waved me off making my final two hour drive into Asheville worry free.  My sensor light went off and I soared the rest of the way there. I thought a little bit about making prejudgments toward people during my drive, but, really, I'm learning to trust my feelings more and more in situations, and I'm not convinced I made any.
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We drive down a road into the River Art's District after a day of walking around and biking by the river. It is later in the day when the sun is low and bursting with orange hues. This light and the tree branches collide together creating a strobe like effect as we move on forward. We take a turn and see a small group of bikers that look our age heading towards the main city. One of the bikers carries a kid carrier book bag for hiking on her back with her dog comfortably placed in the inside. My heart melted once I saw the dog, it seriously was one of the cutest things I ever seen. The dog seemed so happy in there, so down for the ride, so full of life.

I've been going to yoga again and my body feels that good kind of soreness from it right now. The room we practice in is big and the yoga community is donation based. Whatever you can afford that week is what you pay. No more than $15, $5 is great too.  I sit on my mat and listen to the teacher. She tells us to open our hearts and take note of our breaths. I'm still trying to figure out the breath thing, but I always feel grateful to be there. So incredibly happy I showed up.

notes lately

 " In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. 
  In all the world, there is no love for you like mine."  -Maya Angelou

"While I feel inspired by and sure of my lifestyle in the giant, oceanic sense, I indeed have waves of doubt and insecurity. It's remarkable that I can feel lost when moving in the right direction with a functional compass." -Nici Cline

"I wish people would stop judging each other and stop tying their self worth to a paycheck."

"Trust your gut, go with your instincts."

 "Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard."- Anne Sexton

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple." - Jack Keronac

A small medley of quotes that have gathered in the pages of my notebook the past couple months. Randomly assorted throughout- layered in between other notes that I scribbled out in an effort to declutter my brain and make my handwriting better. 

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I wasn't quite sure how to start this, so I figured I'd just begin by saying the gray skies that have been hanging around here for the last few days have lifted and the light blue that now canopies above us is absolutely stunning. There is not a cloud in sight and the color contrasts so well with the white snow on the ground. I knew it would be like this. I saw the sunrise this morning and I thought to myself, today is going to be beautiful. 

I feel as if I have come out of a bit of a hibernation this week. As if recently I was huddled deep inside a winter flower that has now bloomed to see the blue skies too. My body unfolding with the petals and standing up strong in the bright light. I breath in the fresh, cold winter air and shake out my hair with a smile on my face. 

We have been waiting patiently to hear from jobs and schools. And finally we have heard a little bit. A decline from a school, which is fine. There are a couple more that may give my man a chance and we shall see probably in the next few weeks what they think. And if they say, "so sorry, but thank you for considering us as your next step in your career", we will smile at each other and drink a beer and go on a bike ride because after all we are not completely convinced we need them anyway.

And job inquiries and other meetings will be veering my family down south shortly too. Nothing may come of these. But they are possibilities. They are opportunities. They are rejuvenation. They are platforms that may brew about inspiration and guidance as we press on together. They are flowers opening up to light shining in.

road signs

I left work and rolled down my car windows. Moving from the cold air conditioned office to this summer warmth feels so good.  As I reverse out of my parking spot, I watch as goosebumps rise on my arms and swear my body is saying 'thank you' in someway.  It tells me, 'Thank you' for moving us into a more natural environment.  I only have about three minutes of this good feeling before the heat begins to consume me and sweat starts to build up on my forehead. I turn right heading towards the highway feeling wisps of my hair flying wildly in the wind. I watch as my hand floats in the tunnel of air through my side mirror.

Modest Mouse tunes pull in through my ears and tug on my heart strings. This band seems to resurface in nostalgia induced moments- or when thoughts seem heavy. In this case, the thoughts inspired their words and rhythm to spill out again.  Inspiration, excitement, sadness, frustrations- it's all swirling around right here.

I've been taking notes. Twenty-six years in and I've been thinking: this world is a bewildering place. The highs and lows involved, the ebb and flow of everything. We all have to be so strong and bold. Some people have to be so, so strong it brings tears to my eyes. I just don't understand.

I've been thinking about change. Change is inevitable. It can come in many forms and being afraid of change is not a healthy or productive thing to be scared of.

turning the page

Well, it seems Summer is fading out as our region of the Earth tilts further away from the Sun. The cooler daytime breezes that inspire my curtains to sail high into the air- and the nighttime chills that force me to crank my windows in a little more, are good indicators of this. Summer is in the beginning process of colliding with Fall. Change is coming.

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Kyle and I spent a lot of time last week trying to help our sweet chicken that touched our hearts in a way we didn't know a chicken could do. Her frequent visits into our area inspired us to give her a name. And Roadie was it. She would lay her eggs in the grasses outside our window and roost on our porch at night. Her spirit was free- she would wander around this farm fearlessly, all on her own. She very rarely had other chicken friends trailing behind her and I think it's because she viewed us as her friends.

She became sick out of nowhere. We saw her throw up one afternoon and from that moment on, she was never the same. I made up mixtures of flax seed, tomatoes and oats to help put nutrients back into her body. We took turns making sure she was drinking water- sometimes adding iron supplements that are used for sick animals like herself. We contemplated talking to the owner of  the farm about the issue- maybe he would call a vet to come help- but no doubt a vet visit would had left behind a hefty bill adding more cost onto a farm struggling to make a profit. What to do...

We ended up not deciding on the proper move fast enough. We put Roadie on a bed of straw in a warm spot in the barn the night before- when we woke up the next morning, we found her next to it. She was laying down stiff on her chest, her eyes were closed. It was so sad to see her that way. Kyle was moved- he bent his head down and then went outside to work and deal with his emotions, I suppose. He had tried so hard. I cried on our porch.

Kyle buried her under a tree between the creek and the garden later that day.
Sage asked about her a few times, but hasn't mentioned her lately.
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 Similar to us, though, Sage has been carrying on.

Like most kids her age, she is learning about life steadily, in her own little way. Her vocabulary is growing and it's beautiful to listen to the words she says and the small sentence she tries to tackle. I'm looking forward to talking back and forth with her...I wonder sometimes about the conversations we will have in the future.

She turned two last Sunday also. We had a small gathering at our home to celebrate. She had fun running around with her cousins and friends. Her face lights up with joy when she's around children her age, especially her cousin, Riley. I realized then, our girl has her own little community and that makes me proud.

So, we are turning pages. The roadie page and the two year old page. It suddenly feels like a new year over here. I'm feeling more changes are coming. I'm feeling some decisions have to be made.

history found in a car

Thank you for keeping me and everyone else safe all those years. And, also, of course, thank you for keeping all the treasures I collected over the years safe too. You were so good to me.

next chapter

This week has been a pretty monumental week for Sage.  She is really starting to enjoy the taste of whole milk and since she is now a big ol' one year old, she is loving the freedom she has to try new foods.
Although, I'm still holding back on a lot of foods I would love to give her because she only has two teeth! BUT, she is so good at "gumming" things- which was a surprise to me...never knew babies had this secret power before motherhood...

please excuse the messy onesie. She thinks she knows how to drink water out of a teacup 

So soon she won't be sitting on the floor as much, or getting around by crawling everywhere. She is starting to walk (or is trying to atleast). It's a very wobbly walk...and usually only lasts about five steps, but she is practicing! And I think maybe by next week she will be a full time walker.

I love watching her practice though.
It's the coolest thing in the world to me right now. 

So is watching her play with other little kids.
Especially the older and wiser little kiddos that teach her things.