Southward

We moved to Asheville a few weeks ago. Sage, Simone and I ( Oh! And Sage's fish, Jenny) drove into the area on our own, entering Buncombe County with the Walter Mitty Soundtrack playing. 'Space Oddity' by David Bowie came on right as the waves of blue mountains appeared. I rolled down my windows as he sang 'now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare...' and I felt proud of myself.

I learned taking a grandchild away from grandparents that love the way ours do is not easy. Both sets seemed deeply sadden by us leaving and I was beginning to feel guilty as our moving date approached closer. My boss and I had a beer after my last day of work and I asked him if I was being selfish for taking her away and he said I wasn't- -"you guys are young. Go live and explore and take her with you, it will be good for her." I felt a wave of relief wash over me from his words and finished my beer agreeing. We parted ways a little after that, giving each other a big hug, both acknowledging how great it was that our paths crossed.

I broke down and cried when I gave Ann a hug goodbye. It was an accumulation of all the emotions I had been carrying with me that past week colliding together, I think. In that instance, it hit me that our embrace marked the final end to an era. That was it, we were off. Tears flowed out and letting them felt so right. Once I got back in my car and started driving, I wiped them all away and the wind pouring in through my windows dried the rest up because everything about this drive- this move- felt just as right.

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My low pressure oil light came on while I was traveling down. What the hell does that mean anyway? Having to deal with this with a toddler and golden retriever in the back was not something I felt like doing. I was upset with myself for not knowing more about cars. I was upset with myself for not taking it to get a quick maintenance before I left. I didn't want to end up on the side of the road but still just decided to ignore it for the time being to see if it would turn off. It actually did, too! But then it came back on.

Damnit!! 

I knew I had to deal with it then. I took the next exit and drove to the closes gas station. I saw there was an auto shop next to it and decided to walk on over to see if this was a situation I needed to take care of right away.

I carried Sage on my hip. She was barefoot and confused. The mechanic told me I needed oil and he could help me if I pulled in the garage in the back. I pulled in. He had missing teeth and a thick southern accent. I didn't know if I should like him. I was thankful he quickly put the oil in and showed me where to pay.

I got out of my car and noticed two other men that I didn't see before behind the counter. I could tell the older, heavier one checked my body out as I approached him. That felt gross to me and my gut was nagging at my insides alerting me to beware- it hated the energy in the place. I had to give them my information and I ended up getting a bit testy at the end because this transaction thing was taking too long. I started thinking of how I was going to protect myself if one of them tried putting their hands on me or my daughter. Warrior Mama would have come out, I tell you. I truly believe I would have found the power to hurt them if I had to.

Nothing happened, though. I paid my sixteen dollars and the guys waved me off making my final two hour drive into Asheville worry free.  My sensor light went off and I soared the rest of the way there. I thought a little bit about making prejudgments toward people during my drive, but, really, I'm learning to trust my feelings more and more in situations, and I'm not convinced I made any.
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We drive down a road into the River Art's District after a day of walking around and biking by the river. It is later in the day when the sun is low and bursting with orange hues. This light and the tree branches collide together creating a strobe like effect as we move on forward. We take a turn and see a small group of bikers that look our age heading towards the main city. One of the bikers carries a kid carrier book bag for hiking on her back with her dog comfortably placed in the inside. My heart melted once I saw the dog, it seriously was one of the cutest things I ever seen. The dog seemed so happy in there, so down for the ride, so full of life.

I've been going to yoga again and my body feels that good kind of soreness from it right now. The room we practice in is big and the yoga community is donation based. Whatever you can afford that week is what you pay. No more than $15, $5 is great too.  I sit on my mat and listen to the teacher. She tells us to open our hearts and take note of our breaths. I'm still trying to figure out the breath thing, but I always feel grateful to be there. So incredibly happy I showed up.

turning the page

Well, it seems Summer is fading out as our region of the Earth tilts further away from the Sun. The cooler daytime breezes that inspire my curtains to sail high into the air- and the nighttime chills that force me to crank my windows in a little more, are good indicators of this. Summer is in the beginning process of colliding with Fall. Change is coming.

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Kyle and I spent a lot of time last week trying to help our sweet chicken that touched our hearts in a way we didn't know a chicken could do. Her frequent visits into our area inspired us to give her a name. And Roadie was it. She would lay her eggs in the grasses outside our window and roost on our porch at night. Her spirit was free- she would wander around this farm fearlessly, all on her own. She very rarely had other chicken friends trailing behind her and I think it's because she viewed us as her friends.

She became sick out of nowhere. We saw her throw up one afternoon and from that moment on, she was never the same. I made up mixtures of flax seed, tomatoes and oats to help put nutrients back into her body. We took turns making sure she was drinking water- sometimes adding iron supplements that are used for sick animals like herself. We contemplated talking to the owner of  the farm about the issue- maybe he would call a vet to come help- but no doubt a vet visit would had left behind a hefty bill adding more cost onto a farm struggling to make a profit. What to do...

We ended up not deciding on the proper move fast enough. We put Roadie on a bed of straw in a warm spot in the barn the night before- when we woke up the next morning, we found her next to it. She was laying down stiff on her chest, her eyes were closed. It was so sad to see her that way. Kyle was moved- he bent his head down and then went outside to work and deal with his emotions, I suppose. He had tried so hard. I cried on our porch.

Kyle buried her under a tree between the creek and the garden later that day.
Sage asked about her a few times, but hasn't mentioned her lately.
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 Similar to us, though, Sage has been carrying on.

Like most kids her age, she is learning about life steadily, in her own little way. Her vocabulary is growing and it's beautiful to listen to the words she says and the small sentence she tries to tackle. I'm looking forward to talking back and forth with her...I wonder sometimes about the conversations we will have in the future.

She turned two last Sunday also. We had a small gathering at our home to celebrate. She had fun running around with her cousins and friends. Her face lights up with joy when she's around children her age, especially her cousin, Riley. I realized then, our girl has her own little community and that makes me proud.

So, we are turning pages. The roadie page and the two year old page. It suddenly feels like a new year over here. I'm feeling more changes are coming. I'm feeling some decisions have to be made.

park lessons

Before Sage went to sleep last night she climbed up beside me on the couch and sang a song in my ear. Her song was made of some words I understood, but mostly words she made up on her own. She sang softly- close to a whisper- while tugging on my hair and gently rocking her head back and forth. My heart grew even deeper in love with her at that very moment, I could have sat there all night listening to her sweet little voice in my ear.

Her song lasted for about a minute before she was too sleepy to continue on. She put her head on my shoulder signaling to me it was time for books and bed.  Of course, I listened to her queue because these babies grow so fast and take in so much during the day, they need all the rest they can get.

With almost two years of life experience under Sage's wings, I'm enjoying the transformation she is currently making from baby to toddler. Her little body is thinning out and her legs are growing longer. She moves swiftly around outside- running fast and confidently in the grass. She has acquired the balancing skills needed to bend down and explore the earth whenever her heart desires.  She babbles a lot, which is the cutest thing. And she has become very intrigued with rocks, tractors, horses, butterflies, cows and chickens. These are some of her favorite things.

She hugs us tight and loves us fiercely. When she is upset- she expresses it passionately.  I like this too. I'm learning to deal with moments like these more effectively- and, honestly, sometimes I just take in her emotional breakdowns with amazement. I think to myself...'This child of mine is so full of beauty and emotion - look at her expressing her feelings, she feels so free with me'.  

I've decided the "terrible two" phase is a product of little kids understanding life a bit more now, but still not having the verbal abilities to express fully what they are thinking. I think in some instances there is a lot of frustration built up inside their little bodies because of this. They want so badly to say what they are feeling, but don't know how to express it yet.

Physically, too, they are still small and don't move around as well as big kids do. I see Sage observing her fellow park friends intently during our trips there. She studies them like a little anthropologist, and traces their bodies with her eyes as they run freely up and down the playground. These children are so athletic and full of energy. They climb up the slides and soar down them with ease.  Their strong legs pump the swings they are on high into the air. She watches as they swing back and forth, back and forth, their feet nearly touching the leaves in the trees above them. Her need for independence in this manner has bloomed into a full flower these days. She has an ambitious little spirit inside of her.  She is gentle, but she is also ambitious and assertive, and she wants to do what they do!

When it comes down to it, though, she is still too young and fragile. Unlike the bigger kids,  I have to trail behind her as she fearlessly climbs up the playground equipment that is obviously too big for her.  She tries her best to get to where she wants to go all on her own and does a fabulous job of refusing any help I try to give along the way.

Once she makes it to the top,  I watch as she proudly walks over to where the big slides are. This is when her fear creeps in.  At this point she realizes she has reached her limit and decides that type of independence is actually not what she wants right now. She needs help. She needs me again.

In moments like these, I pick her up and take her down the slide with me.  Like Sage's changing body and attitude, I'm understanding my role as a mother is changing a bit as well. Apart from comforting and caring for my girl, which is a trait naturally sewn into many mama's from the moment our babies are placed in our arms, I'm seeing the importance of guidance. I need to guide her along, while also letting her learn on her own. I think the balance of those two elements are important to take note of as a mama. I want my girl to always know I'm there if she needs me, but I also want her to feel free and confident enough to explore and find her own way.

So, this is how I've been approaching our park trips- I've been learning from them. Sage absolutely loves it there and is so tired when we leave.  Perhaps by Fall she will be able to travel around the playground equipment without her mother trailing closely behind her. I think if she could find a way to avoid the scary, big kid slide, she would love this greatly!

xo

April Notes

Colors are popping out everywhere- yellows, pinks, blues, and whites are spreading fast and look so pretty, and smell so pretty, too! The ancient mountain range that surrounds us here and protects us resembles a puffy green cloud at the moment, that hangs low, as its tree tops fill in and show off their lush and sturdy blooming exteriors. I drove over a hill a couple days ago and realized that. I wanted so badly to fly to these tree tops with my little girl and just rest up there for the afternoon. My imagination made me feel our "rest time" would be more like floating around time- full of us dancing and jumping over the fluffiness similar to what we would do on a trampoline. Also similar to what I imaged souls that had passed did in the clouds when I was younger. I remember being on airplane rides back then and looking for signs of people ( or what I thought souls would look like) tucked away in the clouds. I thought ...'this is so beautiful- this has got to be what life after Earth looks like.'
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This week has been marked by some closures. My nannying jobs are starting to end- so finding new work for myself is on my mind. But I'm finding this to be exciting, not stressful at the moment- I'm ready to do something new.
Kyle and I have also been embarking on the adventure of buying our first car. We've had our eyes set on this car for a couple months now and really are in need off some new wheels. Our first experience with a car dealer was interesting- we definitely felt a bit vulnerable and naive when it came to the "game" involved with this type of purchase- we knew the likelihood of us getting played was high if we made a quick decision due to excitement. So despite our love for it, we told him we had to think about it and just came home. Once we put Sage to bed that night, we shared a bottle of wine- dug deeper into researching the best price out there and had fun practicing our negotiating skills- Kyle became quite good at this, I have to say!
And I think we have finally found our car- and most importantly (to us, at least) for a price we feel good about.  If all works out- our new beauty will be ours to love this weekend.
And my beloved old car that I've been driving around since I was sixteen will still stay in the family. My dad will be taking it over and using it until it can absolutely run no more.  So, my closure with this vehicle is an easy one. She will still be around for me to be nostalgic about.

Dandelion Dreams

The fields around our home are covered in yellow polka dots.

I can tell from the many people I've driven by this week with sprayers on their back- that this yellow weed is not welcomed in their yard.

That makes me sad sometimes--- our polka dots are safe here.

enjoying

Enjoying right now:
The fact that this runny nose thing is on its way out...
Discovering some love in my mailbox ( no bills- just a note filled with love!)
I'm enjoyin' tastes of summertime.
And my beautiful seventeen month old who randomly decided this week that she wanted to help put groceries away- even if that meant putting the shampoo in the refrigerator and the cheese in the pantry.
She was so proud and so was her mama because it was all so precious.

west-side adventure

 Our trip to Seattle passed by so quickly. As I was packing our stuff up to head back east, I couldn't help but take note of the fact I felt like I had just put my suitcase down in the room we stayed in. A room that belongs to my beautiful niece. Her space, which is marked with a crowned "M" on the door, is filled with artifacts that represent her right now at this very time. An abstract lilac painting is taped at the head of her bed. And those glow in the dark solar system stickers are systematically spaced out and stuck tightly to the ceiling above her. They are the last thing her growing mind sees before she shuts her eyes to dream, and are a good reminder that only a roof separates her from a real blanket of stars in the night sky. A book shelf full of children's literature ( her favorite being fantasy) has a little home in her room, along with some American Girl Dolls and a box of the scary miniature paraphernalia that comes along with those dollies. I also noticed a couple play horses, a box of crafts and dress up clothes, a handmade jewelry box, and a dream catcher that dressed up her bedroom window beautifully.

Our trip was so good. One of those good for the soul type ones. The change was good. 

We learned. We listened. We kept our eyes opened wide. We read. We took pictures. We took it in. We even discovered, during some downtime, our love for a game called "Flow". And I also discovered that it is possible to feel motion sickness on a plane (our last plane ride home was quite the bumpy one!)

But, most importantly, we got to hang out with family. Cousins played together. Grown ups cooked and talked and drank wine together.  We got the opportunity to sit through long, drawn out stories by a ten year old with an imagination as big as the universe. We got to see first hand how much energy an almost three year old boy has and the crazy ways he likes to release it. Sometimes it involves hitting...sometimes spitting...sometimes screaming. But, we also got to see him release it in more pleasant ways...like through giggles and through play activities and cuddles with his mama.

Art and nature seem to intertwined and coexist in the fibers that make up Seattle.

The people are creative and so are the little people they are raising.

Big buildings and city culture have always been intriguing to me. Maybe its because I live far from this type of lifestyle. But, I've always wondered what it would be like to live in the middle of all that. There are so many activities to do...so many different people to meet... music to hear...art to see. I mean the list could go on. I think I may always fantasize about living a city life, I'm just not totally sold on it being the right place for us.

But, anyway, we had fun exploring the streets of Downtown!

ornaments! 

The beauty with this city is open space is near. So are large lakes and huge mountain ranges- accompanied by volcanos and old- growth forests. The Seattle folk get the best of both worlds.

...evening walk in Greenlake....

... a morning walk down the street...

...Lake Washington...

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Our time spent in the northwest was very much appreciated by my family.

Our adventure was fun.
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But, it also, honestly, feels good to be home. 

I'm looking forward to what's next. Whatever that may be.
I know some decorating and re-organizing are in my future plans.