early spring

 I was sleeping deeply and soundly. The hum of the heater sounded from the ceiling, our bed comforter wrapped tightly around me. The sun was just rising. I sometimes sleep my deepest during these early morning hours. The new sunlight touches my ear and spreads to my cheek, vivid dreams color and weave around my brain. This particular morning I was holding a baby. It was brand new and swaddled tightly in a blanket. I remember this intense, endless love I felt for it. It was irresistible, this love. So much happiness illuminated from me and I had this deep understanding of how much of a gift this little body was to me. All I wanted to do was protect and hold my precious treasure. 

I wake up feeling sad and confused. I've never dreamed of a baby like this before nor did I realize how much my heart and body yearned for another little one. I assumed this was what the dream meant. We had this plan to wait and try for more children after summer ended. This plan we talked about---- plans sometimes are silly to me, they take away from the excitement of just feeling life as it goes- letting experiences and next moves unfold freely and organically. Anyway, I get out of bed making patience my mantra for the day. Patience.

A few days pass and I leave my house and start running down my road. I usually run to this particular sign and then turn around. I run and run feeling high as I begin to sweat--those therapeutic qualities of moving my body like this start to take over. Music is playing in my ears. My sun glasses provide a certain privacy and intimacy to my exercise ritual that I love. I run and run and run and then I have a desire to walk. I enjoy walking too, so I listen. I walk and walk and walk and then all of a sudden I overwhelming know it. It hits me right there out of nowhere. I am pregnant. I am. I can feel it in my body.  With each step I take forward, I can feel that change is occurring inside me. It is blossoming and growing and opening up. My dreams are even telling me so.

It's confirmed a few nights later during dinner time. We start eating our tacos and Kyle says just go take the test. I feel nervous and excited. I leave my plate of food and walk up the stairs. I pee on the stick.  Two blue lines appear almost instantly and I yell for Kyle, it's true! He comes upstairs and we look at this new piece of information- this life changing realization and nervously giggle, hands over our mouths--eyes smiling. We are going to have another baby. What are we going to do?! Then we hug and kiss and laugh and kiss and I realize in that moment we already know what to do--the answer so deeply rooted in simply loving each other.

changing colors

Summer isn't officially here, but it sure feels like it. 

The days have been hot and humid.

The heat has made my stops along the side of the road for quick photos even quicker. Once the car stops, so does the air flow. Ohh, but once the car starts to move again...in comes the air. 

So refreshing.

and so grateful for shade covers at the nursery

and for purple and blues

and for salt water pools

My little one dipped her feet in the pool for the first time this weekend.

She has no limits these days.

She rolls and rolls all around. She hasn't quite figured out how to crawl yet, but baby girl can move! She'll get where she needs to go in her own little way. 

Currently gearing up for a move. So ready for this.

The squeeze of love

I've been craving an adventure this week! And my friends. And the prospect of making new ones. I know I previously wrote about appreciating my alone time. But right now,I need people again. I need to be inspired by people.

I think Sage was channeling my mind this morning as these thoughts were passing through... 

Because, somehow at that same moment, she stopped playing with her toys- looked up at me, shot me with a playful look, and then preceded to reach out to touch my arm and give it a tight squeeze. I mean her coordination for this squeeze was on point, it was unbelievable! 

But I think she was trying to tell me something by her little action.

I think she wants to go on an adventure, too!

She wants to see new sites from her stroller. 

She wants to see new faces and hear new voices! She really does.

So, thats what we're going to do. This broke Mama can't afford a plane ticket to Hawaii right now, so I figured a trip to DC  will do the trick and help calm our nerves. This weekend we're going to visit a dear friend who lives in the DC area. I'm excited to see her and feel her warm and loving embrace and to just shoot the shit with her over a yummy lunch and a cold Corona with a lime:)

a birth experience

Any day now, my future sister in law will get to hold the precious little Baby Girl she has been carrying for nine months. 

We talked together last night about how exciting and special the end of a pregnancy is for a woman.  

After all those months of waiting,anticipating and watching our body change...

it is so wonderful when the time to hold that babe tightly in our arms is just around the corner. 

But it can be a waiting game... an exciting one to me!

You may feel ready, but those pains haven't started.

When will this body of mine go into labor?  This is what she was wondering last night!

She is so ready. She says she can barely sleep at night. But still only 1 cm, nothing is progressing.

Every woman is different...some tend to go early, some don't ever go into labor and have to be induced.  

Seven months ago, I was in her position. I was full of excitement, so ready to see my baby and also so ready to conquer my labor pains, as I was determine to experience labor naturally. 

I did a ton of reading 

and watched a really inspiring documentary 

that sealed the whole natural birth experience deal for me.

I truly ( I know this may sound crazy to others) wanted to take in every pain and allow my baby to make a peaceful and stress free journey to my arms and Kyle's. I looked at it like she was making a trip to me, so I was going to go on my own little journey, too.

A journey in which I would discover how powerful and strong I really am.

This simple quote helped me is more ways than I expected.

"Women do not need to be rescued. It's a time for her to face her darkest moment, so she can lay claim to her victory". -The Business of Being Born

 I was able to do it. I labored in a hospital overnight for 14 hours and was in and out of the shower. My lovely boyfriend did a wonderful job of spraying my back in areas that hurt, getting me ice and popsicles when I asked for them, and just overall being a calm presence. 

I realized that I didn't need him in ways that I predicted. 

Him just being by my side was all I needed.

He couldn't take away the pain I was feeling,

nor understand the sharp sensations I was experiencing every two minutes.

I had to depend totally on myself, physically and mentally.

When Sage finally arrived, no words can describe the amount of love and joy that filled up in my body.

Her cry was so beautiful...and those eyes! I will never forget those eyes looking up at me.

I remember saying..."Oh she is so cute! and so tiny!"

And just thanking (over and over and over again) the midwife and nurse that shared that special and life changing moment with Kyle and I.

They saw me at my worst. Yet, also my best.

The whole experience was definitely a challenging one, 

but oh so empowering. 

I find I reminisce about this day a lot...sometimes I think it's a bit unhealthy. But, I decided to write about it today because Sam is interested in trying to give birth this way,too. She has a wonderful mindset right now, and is patiently waiting for her labor pains to kick in without fear.

I remind her all the time I believe in her and that she is strong enough, but also to not feel ashamed if she decides to get medicine to bring relief. I would never look down upon a woman for choosing to go that route. The experience of bringing a baby into the world is suppose to be a special one, and the only right way to go about doing it is in a way that is most comfortable to the woman... a way that will bring the most joy to her heart.

 No doubt, giving birth is one hell of an adventure. Especially when your going through the process for the first time. But, I feel it's important to highlight those weeks and days before we know what monumental event is going to take place. These days are thrilling in their own right.

Sam is currently living through hers. 

Patiently waiting, and taking it all in.

 I wish her so well. 

Yes, you I love .

Good morning pretty tulips! You look beautiful in the early morning light.

Lately, I have been attached to three things:

Flowers,
a blanket for outside

and our stroller.

The stroller especially. I've been walking everywhere I can.
I walk...Sage rides.
Yep, she's my little side kick! And such a good one, too. She enjoys the rides and loves to look at everything we pass by. The other day we walked to the grocery store to pick up some fruit, and these lovely flowers caught my eye. With zero hesitation, I picked them up and put them in my cart. They were mine for the keeping- of course I needed them to brighten up my little basement home!

Yesterday my Mom and I got to hang out for a little.  She met me outside on my blanket...and brought a wonderful and festive little surprise!

Margaritas!  So yummy and refreshing! Absolutely perfect for the weather:)
Along with the drinks came those pitiful (but also very entertaining!) celebrity magazines. My mom has always been an avid buyer and reader of them. She tells me it's the mindless reading that she likes. It's easy and fun. I personally enjoy looking at all the pictures.

And after her afternoon nap, my precious baby wanted to come outside and play. 

It appears my camera lens looked interesting to her. She couldn't help but chew and slobber all over it:)

 Gosh, this is one thing I did not realize before kids! Babies want to put everything and anything in their mouth! I think this may be a sign that her first tooth is getting ready to pop out. I also read it's their way of discovery the taste and textures to different objects. 

She's just exploring and learning. 

My little baby girl is learning:)

 

Listening to the heart's voice

 We woke up this morning to find that Winter had finally graced her presence on this land, as she left a beautiful dusting of snow outside.This snow storm seemed to be very gentle and calm. We heard nothing of it last night while sleeping and the visual aspect of actually (FINALLY) seeing snow was warming to the heart.

Along with all the pretty snowflakes, there were small icicles hanging from the ceiling of our porch and ice fragments, that looked a lot like leaves, laying on nearby bushes.

As Sage was waking up, I quickly made some coffee for Kyle and I to enjoy. As that magical stuff brewed, I got Sage from her crib, changed her diaper, and let her look outside to see her first snow. As expected, she didn't react much, but I wonder what she was thinking. Did her little mind notice any difference?
We moved to the living room next. Sage played with her toys while I read and sipped on my coffee.

I'm loving the book I've got my hands on right now- this morning I read the most beautiful thing from the main character...It really struck a cord in me.
Corrag says... 

" I think how we live our lives is our own doing, and we cannot fully hope on dreams and stars. But dreams and stars can guide us, perhaps. And the heart's voice is a strong one. Always is.

Listen to it, it's my advice.....Your heart's voice is your true voice. It is easy to ignore it, for sometimes it says what we'd rather it did not- and it is so hard to risk the things we have.  But what life are we living, if we don't live by our hearts? Not a true one. And the person living it is not the true you."  (The Highland Witch, Susan Fletcher)

It was refreshing to read this. I've been really struggling about what is next for me. My beautiful baby is growing every day- but I feel I need to make sure I continue my growth as a person, too. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I figured I would have my baby...get in a routine with her...find childcare and then find a job that would start a career for myself that made me happy. I thought this was really the only way to not fall deep into mommy mode, and completely lose sight of my identity and creative energy.

How wrong was I. I didn't quite realize how much I was going to enjoy this new role of mine. To my surprise, I don't feel the need to jump into the workforce to feel creative and free. My heart's voice is telling me to take in this time with my daughter. This is what I want right now. Especially during this time of constant changes. Everyday I feel she begins to do something new- all of it being so amazing and fun to watch.

 I know with time, perhaps even a few months down the road, this voice will change. Plus, financially I have no choice but to get my butt back to work.  But, at the moment, I'm so grateful to be able to make the choice I'm making.

She was so close...

Today was almost the day...

She tried so hard to make that roll from her back to tummy happen, it almost made me cry!

Pshhh this pictures just shows her side stance. This little one could stay in this position all day- no joke. She likes to trick me a lot...I'll think she is about to get a little adventurous and try to see the world from her belly...but noo- she will just hang out on her side for twenty minutes sucking her thumb.

This is the moment I wait for! When she starts to put a little more energy into her side stance and decides to get her legs, head and arms more involved.
She was doing this over and over again this morning. She would try so hard to roll over but then return to her back.

ahhh- here I go mommy!

 Finally, with the cheers of some of my cousins in the background ( we met up today so our kids could play) she got to this point!

Go, Go, Go!!!  (we all cheered)...But then she fell backwards. Oh- but she was soooo close! She wants it so bad, tomorrow I know she will make it over:)

It so interesting to watch a little baby grow. Her rolling over is just the first step in her journey to becoming a more independent walking toddler.

Oh gosh, now that I think about it,  I better take in these days when she can't move so freely.
 I assume once she can walk and run, there will be moments that call for me to chase after her like a crazy mother---like mothers I have seen in the mall before, like mothers I swore I would never be like. Oh god.

Color!

You are my thing right now. I love you. I can't stop admiring all of your pretty shades!  I'm not sure if it's because this warm air has allowed our winter to be a colorful one. Or if I've been thinking about my future house, and how I can't  freakin' wait to paint my kitchen a pretty shade of green or aqua blue. In fact, the blueness of the sky today drew me outside. 

Sage and I went for a walk and then for a drive. I showed her my old stomping grounds--we drove down the roads and I admired the landscape as she cooed and awed in the backseat.

I thought about how things have changed...it has been almost six years since I use to travel around with my friends in this area. But then I realized things were also very much the same. I was driving...I had my camera by my side...I had music on that made me feel good...and most of all I had a happy travel companion with me:) And for all the things that were different- it was just fine! I mean it has been six years! If things were still the same I would be upset!

With that said...along we went:)

It wasn't long before Sage turned her coos and awes into little whimpers and cries. She wanted out of her car seat! Ahhh and I was about 15 minutes from home! I got back on track for home and turned up "Honey Bee" the Muddy Waters song I had playing in my car to try and soothe her...

 "sail onnnnn, sail onnnn my little honey bee, sail onnn. I don't mind you sailing, but please don't sail so long."

My sweet little baby went right to sleep:) Oh, I was happy! A crying baby in a car does not make for a happy spirit.

Oh gosh, I just went way off track!! Now- back to my color talk!
Color has also been showing up in my life through fabric. I got the urge the other day to start a fabric collection.

It's not very large, but soon I want to learn how to make clothes for Sage. This will be hard for me to do considering I don't even know how to sew, or have a sewing machine for that matter.  But I'm going to try to make it happen, somehow.

Anyway, I was determined to use these fabrics. I decided to hand stitch. The other night I cut out a little design I wanted to stitch onto her onesie.

I started hand sewing.
And created this!

She looked so cute in it this morning. The stitches really look sloppy up close, so I prefer everyone to take a few steps back to look at it:) I just gotta keep on practicing!

Also, before I sign off, I would like to state that today was day one of trying to roll over.....

My baby girl is a thumb sucker...she loves it! today it distracted her from our objective...
We finally managed to get to this position..

 but with a little help from Mommy.
We shall try again tomorrow :)

is it really winter?

That winter weather just hasn't hit these parts. Our days have been warm and very fall like. There have been some cold days where the chill makes it practically unbearable to be outside, but very few. Maybe we will get hit by a snow storm soon...or perhaps the ways of the seasons are changing for good.

Whatever it may be...we decided to head outside. We got our hands on a portable fire pit thingy and made ourselves a little morning bonfire. If winter was going to take its time to show its face, we were going to make it feel like winter to us! A fire will do that...and so will my favorite winter hat :)

Once the baby took her morning nap, we made our fire. Thankfully Kyle was able to get that job he wanted, so we were able to kind of romanticize about what is next for us. Oh gosh, maybe that wood stove we have always wanted!!! or that pretty cabin!

I don't know- but I especially loved it when Sage woke up. She got to see her first bonfire and it was wonderful to watch her just stare and stare and stare at it! She would sometimes make cooing sounds at it and then send some bubbly drool its way- but she mostly just couldn't take her sweet little eyes of the colorful flames.

I loved today. she really was taking it all in...

what a beautiful thing to watch.
After our play date outside-  I was craving a hearty flavorful soup and needed to cook. I find cooking to be a great way to think and unwind. Nothing better then preparing something yummy and sipping on a little wine. Lentil and ham soup it was!

and it was yummy.  So yummy:)

Family love during the holidays!

This holiday season has been a very special and touching one for me, and I'm sure Kyle can say the same. It was so wonderful to hang out with family and hear what's new and exciting in their lives.  I specifically enjoyed talking to my cousins about motherhood. We bonded over the joys of breastfeeding and also the mishaps that occur with it  (mine would be milk spraying everywhere!) And of course,  we had to touch base on the hardships of night time feedings during the newborn stage and poopy diapers that require a trip to the bathtub. I was just really in love with the sincerity between us and our conversations. We just laid it all out on the table and laughed a lot!


Being with family really made me appreciate my own little family. I love that Sage and Kyle are my people---we are our own little tribe that gets to explore and find our own happiness together. A couple months ago, I overhead Jennifer Garner, an actress, explain on some celebrity news show that motherhood really enhances all your senses. I have found this to be true---my heart immediately expanded once my little baby was placed in my arms. It was so easy to love her, and so instant. I find that every time she does something new- like smile so big I think she is going to giggle, or try with all her power to roll her little body over from her back to her belly...i want to cry tears of joy and amazement! She is growing! And I am so thankful to have her in my life.

Besides all of that. I wondered what she will want for Christmas next year when she is older and a bit more aware. Will it be a stuff animal...a wooden rattle...a bouncy ball? I don't know! I hope, though, that she finds fun and amusement in items that aren't really toys at all--pots and pans....cardboard boxes...sticks and pine cones from the trees in the yard. You know, things that don't cost money! Ha--we shall see:)

my birthday morning

My sweet Sagie Poo woke me up at 5:37 yesterday morning.It was obvious she was hungry for her milk by the way she was stirring around in her crib (or cage, as Kyle jokingly calls it!). In these early morning hours, when she wakes up because of hunger, she tends to suck her thumb and index finger so passionately that Kyle, the dog, and myself wake up! Mommy is the only one who can cure the pain through...so Daddy and the dog get to fall back to sleep.

I enjoy getting up with her at this time. She usually is pretty joyful when she realizes I am coming to her rescue.  Her bright smiling face always seems to have the power to make my sleepy eyes more open and alert.  I know in times like these she needs me and I need her.As I feed her in our warm bed I get to watch the beginnings of the day through the window. Typically the sky is a dark blue when I get her from her crib but as she feeds and falls back into her slumber the morning sky changes to a lighter color.

I was thankful she fell back to sleep- it was also my birthday morning and I loved the idea of early morning cuddling with my man and falling back asleep for a few more hours. Ahhhh…and that is exactly what I did!

Kyle woke me up in the middle of a dream I have no memory of by yelling at our dog. Apparently while we were snoozing away, she managed to get her nose into the bathroom trashcan. She ripped apart all of the tissues that were in there and left a trail of it all around our little apartment! She must have got bored with the tissue paper because she then managed to stumble upon my favorite knitted hat that was sitting on our end table. She chewed off the puffy ball that use to sit on the top of my head and left a pile of chewed up purple and pink pieces of yarn right next to the door. I guess this was Simone’s silly way of wishing me a Happy Birthday—or teaching us to not leave items that may be appetizing to her out in the open! Oh well, life goes on, right?

Soon after our discovery, Sage woke up!  She surprised us as well! She managed to shimmy her little body to a completely different location in her crib. She has always been an active little thing...

 I think soon she will be rolling over on her tummy :)

Mid afternoon we went on a little birthday walk in the woods and then had Thai for lunch. Kyle is currently out of work and is having a hard time finding a job, so he was able to spend the day with us. We were joking at how different our birthday celebrations are now that we have a baby. A baby sure does change a lot of things. I do miss the freedom I had before I was a mom...but watching Sage grow and seeing her little personality come out makes each day more meaningful to me. She has stole my heart and made my birthday a lovely and special day:)

sleep well, hunny:)

Goodnight, Birthday!