beautifully bold

We pulled into the parking lot running a little late. I'm always running a little late. I don't know why I always put myself in this position, but I consistently do. I parked and made my way to Sage in her car seat and told her with excitement, "Look we made it! Here we are again! At the ice skating rink for lessons- aren't you happy and excited?!" And then I see that she actually was not at all. Little tears fell from her eyes as she tells me she does not want to go in. I had to dismiss this and pretend not to hear her. She's been dreaming about ice skating for months and months and has only been to a few lessons so far. I could tell the experience was a bit scary and uncomfortable for her, but I thought, life is just that and she will get through this.

I helped guide her out of the car seat and zipped her coat up to her chin. 'In we go', I say, as I swing her toddler self on my hip always amazed at how well a woman's figure can hold a child right there in that place- like a puzzle piece being matched up with the space it was made for. My heart aches a little in that moment at the realization that my small frame can barely handle the weight of her growing body these days. Time is fleeting as an adult, it wasn't long ago I was nursing her to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night to make sure she was breathing. Now I'm lugging her into a building to glide on ice.

While walking in I notice other women hustling in, exuding a kind of superpower to me that I think would surprise them if I told them this. They patiently carry babies in car seats and on their hips, all while another one trails behind. I wonder how they mange all that without falling apart. I feel so proud of them for showing up because I'm not sure I could do that myself in their position.

Sage and I reach the lobby where I lace up her skates. She stands up and I hold her hand tight as we venture into the main rink area. I guide her to the entrance and bend down to help nudge her on. I see a smile form on her cheeks as she sends the sweetest wave to the classmates she barely knows but confidently calls her friends. I'm feeling like she can really do this as her blades touch the ice and she grabs the hand of her teacher.

I step back- taking notice each time she scans the side wall to make sure I'm there.  Every time our eyes meet a wave of warmth washes over me, I can literately feel the love and gratitude fill my beating heart. I think this connection, this mother- child connection, is so damn fierce. It is so concrete and complex and deep. I'm her comfort and she is my comfort.

And she did really well for awhile, but then her hands got too cold. She wanted to stop and I met her at an opening in the rink and picked her up off the ice. I held her tight and placed a heavy kiss on her cheek. Her comfort wildly protecting and loving her little girl always. She was brave and did all I wanted her to do. Now it was time to get her warm again.