Harvest Moon

(some thoughts here were written months ago)

My days have been busy navigating the summer routines of my job here. The garden work changes seasonally and with this being my first year, I'm seeing the rhythm of the work cycling through for the first time. The Sagittarius in me really enjoys the seasonal work changes and this is the first job I've had since graduating college where the boredom hasn't set in. I keep thinking of ways I can do a better job next year and it's refreshing.

Our garden harvesters, who work mostly alongside Kyle right now, will bring in the goods from the gardens and I will determine what will be processed further and preserved. Chopping, peeling and jarring are jobs that are therapeutic to the people I work with-- and each day the ones that would rather stay inside during these hot summer months sit at the table in our work kitchen and wait to hear from me how they can help with the whole process. Lately I've been in the mood to make pasta sauces. I'll put on some music and pull out three or four cutting boards from the cabinet--put a spread of tomatoes, garlic, basil and onions on the table and together we get started. Our work area fills up quickly with the savory smells of onion and garlic cooking in olive oil. We peel the skins off our tomatoes and add them in the mixture.The sweet and spicy peppers get chopped up and thrown in next, along with squash for the creaminess. Herbs are bundled up and placed in last accompanied by some salt and pepper and honey. The sauce simmers and reduces the rest of the day and the savory smells stream out into the summer air as we leave and enter our work space.

The canning occurs at the end of the day and the final step involves putting the lidded jars filled with sauce in a hot water bath for 25 minutes or so.  I wipe sweat from my face as I use tongs to pull out the finished jars and can't help but feel connected to the past by preserving food with this method. I think of my grandmother often in this kitchen. After I've collected the jars from the water, I wait to hear a little pop letting me know the lid properly sealed. And there it is- the nourishing vitamins from summer tomatoes ready to be consumed in the cold of winter.
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I have a little baby growing in my belly and a brain that can't fill itself with enough words. I've read and reread more books this summer than I think I ever have. They have been a random plethora of reading materials involving eastern spirituality, a gripping memoir of a drug addict who checked himself into rehab and saved his life, the lyrical words of Barbara Kingsolver with Animal Dreams and Prodigal Summer. My first and only parenting book and other novels based on creative living.

Elizabeth Gilbert words were inspiring,

 "...When I talk about "creative living" here....I'm talking about living a life that is driven more strongly by curiosity than by fear."

She goes on to say...

"...creative living is a path for the brave......And while the paths and outcomes of creative living will vary from person to person, I can guarantee you this: A creative life is an amplified life. It' a bigger life, a happier life, an expanded life, and a hell of a lot more interesting life, Living in this manner-- continually and stubbornly bringing forth the jewels that are hidden within you- is a fine art, in and of itself."

I'm grateful to her and people like her that in humble ways pass on the wisdom they have gathered through their own life experiences. They make it clear that life can be a challenge---it can be such a fucking beautiful and sad and thrilling and mundane experience-- but they remind us to keep pushing forward through it all- keep expanding and reaching- keep experiencing- keep finding the colors and goodness.

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I thought of her words as we took off on a plane heading west for a summer trip. I always have a mini panic attack inside myself before flying and as I buckled my daughter in her seat I had scary thoughts dance around in my head. I pushed them away though. What a powerful thing positive thinking is. And you need to be brave to live creativity. The anxiety lifted as the planes wheels left the runway. We flew through the clouds and the whole trip on the other side of the continent was so freeing. We laughed and explored and camped our way down parts of the the pacific coast- all of us wide-eyed with the beauty of it all.

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And months have passed by since I started writing this post. The heat of summer has filtered through and now Autumn is here. The leaves are changing and the Monarchs are out exploring. On the weekends I've been buzzing around my house preparing and nesting for this new baby. I cherish all the little kicks and jabs I feel in my belly and think daily of what a miraculous experience carrying a baby is. I feel like a flower--constantly blooming, blooming, blooming.  Birth is approaching and I'm ready to go on that journey...I'm excited to ride the waves of contractions again and let my body work it's magic naturally and fearlessly. What a thrilling ride it all is.

early spring

 I was sleeping deeply and soundly. The hum of the heater sounded from the ceiling, our bed comforter wrapped tightly around me. The sun was just rising. I sometimes sleep my deepest during these early morning hours. The new sunlight touches my ear and spreads to my cheek, vivid dreams color and weave around my brain. This particular morning I was holding a baby. It was brand new and swaddled tightly in a blanket. I remember this intense, endless love I felt for it. It was irresistible, this love. So much happiness illuminated from me and I had this deep understanding of how much of a gift this little body was to me. All I wanted to do was protect and hold my precious treasure. 

I wake up feeling sad and confused. I've never dreamed of a baby like this before nor did I realize how much my heart and body yearned for another little one. I assumed this was what the dream meant. We had this plan to wait and try for more children after summer ended. This plan we talked about---- plans sometimes are silly to me, they take away from the excitement of just feeling life as it goes- letting experiences and next moves unfold freely and organically. Anyway, I get out of bed making patience my mantra for the day. Patience.

A few days pass and I leave my house and start running down my road. I usually run to this particular sign and then turn around. I run and run feeling high as I begin to sweat--those therapeutic qualities of moving my body like this start to take over. Music is playing in my ears. My sun glasses provide a certain privacy and intimacy to my exercise ritual that I love. I run and run and run and then I have a desire to walk. I enjoy walking too, so I listen. I walk and walk and walk and then all of a sudden I overwhelming know it. It hits me right there out of nowhere. I am pregnant. I am. I can feel it in my body.  With each step I take forward, I can feel that change is occurring inside me. It is blossoming and growing and opening up. My dreams are even telling me so.

It's confirmed a few nights later during dinner time. We start eating our tacos and Kyle says just go take the test. I feel nervous and excited. I leave my plate of food and walk up the stairs. I pee on the stick.  Two blue lines appear almost instantly and I yell for Kyle, it's true! He comes upstairs and we look at this new piece of information- this life changing realization and nervously giggle, hands over our mouths--eyes smiling. We are going to have another baby. What are we going to do?! Then we hug and kiss and laugh and kiss and I realize in that moment we already know what to do--the answer so deeply rooted in simply loving each other.

shift in perceptive

It's been 7 months. I'm not sure I have ever been away from this space for that long. The thought of ending the writing crossed my mind at random points - 'what a silly project that was' I thought. Or was it writers block? I couldn't find the right words to write down.

But now I'm here. And I think I have found them.

Nearly a year into Asheville and we decided to veer off somewhere else. The opportunity came out of nowhere and with surprise to us, the final decision to pack up and go was not a hard one. We left behind jobs we disliked and an overpriced apartment. Sadly, new friends, too. But, honestly, it was harder to always be working for the weekend. And the weekends never lasted long enough. Better work options seemed bleak in that town- moving away felt easier. Yesterday evening I heard a lyric by Feist that resonated with me- ' I know more than I knew before. I didn't rest, I didn't stop…' and I thought, damn right girl- that is how I feel about all that.

Mountains are a constant for us. We followed the Appalachians about five hours north to the foothills of Virginia and moved into a 200 year old farmhouse tucked away in the Shenandoahs. Kyle's new position brought us here as he knew he needed to get back into his element. He needed to get his hands dirty again- I feel the garden and greenhouse environment are his 'soul offices'. He has so much passion for them. I'm envious of him because I can't wait to find mine.

There is a therapeutic element to his job and mine as we interact with groups of individuals with a range of disabilities at different times during our week. The social scientist in me is loving these new interactions with people I initially thought were very different from me. Turns out I was wrong- at the core there is no difference. Human beings have emotional hearts and are pretty similar in the end as we universally have an innate desire to feel validated, loved and free.

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A maintenance employee came over to our house the other day to fix molding in our bathroom. He's an older, hairy man. Nice and gentle. Heavy smoker. I can smell it on him and hear that raspy cough that accompanies that habit once its reeled you in so tight there's no way of escaping. Anyway, he lugs in many different types of tools and a can full of white paint. Outside he sets up his saw and cuts molding pieces for the different areas that need fixing up. He works and works and works. He spends most of the day in the bathroom fixing the specific areas. At the end of the day, I came back inside just in time to see the final product as he was finishing up. I was impressed. You are so talented! I tell him. He laughs and I can tell he doesn't necessary believe in the compliment I gave him. But it was true. He is an artist to me. He gathers his tools and puts them back in his red truck. He lights a cigarette and drives off. I imagine him going back to his house to let his dogs out- first grabbing a cold beer from the refrigerator- thinking about making steak and potatoes for dinner.

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I'm understanding how my environments play such a deep role with my personal creative process. The character of the space I live in presently is inspiring to me- after all, I felt the energy to finally sit down and write again. I'm anxious to start taking pictures with my 'big camera'- and go through with building up my photography. I'm excited to round up some new music and to cook with new spices. I've even started dreaming about a baby. First time in four years. I'm not even sure when the right time for that will be, but the idea doesn't seem as outlandish as it has in the past.

double rainbow

 The familiarity of home in Maryland was weighing on me a few weeks ago.  For some reason waves of stress and anxiety decided to fill up inside and I began to miss our simple farm life and the endless amounts of tomatoes that would be piling up on my kitchen counter right about now, and I missed my Grandma. But mashed up against these emotions were also genuine feelings of happiness to be living here in this mountain city. There is a lot of life on these streets and so much more exploring to do. You know, it's an interesting thing to want to be in two places at once.

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Kyle and I were finishing up a walk in the woods together as a biker passed us. He was older and looked to be in good shape. He said hello and asked how we were doing, I replied with "great, how about you!" He hollered back at me, "Awesome! Best day of my life!" I loved the contentment and satisfaction wrapped up in his short statement. I want to always find that and hold it close.

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What I need to get over is that there is only something noteworthy about the twenty-something-year-old mind process. I've always thought we are the most bold and free thinking at this stage in the game-- naive too about the world- allowing us to move forward and explore openly and without fear or hesitation. I've thought is was really important to see and do all I could during this time because it would profoundly change the way I viewed the world for the rest of my life. But the truth is- that is not true. That idea needs to leave my body and fly away with the wind because we can and should think boldly and creatively and openly all throughout our lives, and if that is the case, the adventures should never end.

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I'm currently working at a school that Sage attends. She is in a preschool class, while I co-teach a class of three year old children. It's a play-based curriculum and my co-workers have been taught to initiate creative thinking with kids and peacefully break up arguments.  I watch them get down to eye level with the little ones and calmly talk the issues through. I'm always amazed at how well they can sift through the problem and make the situation better. I think, some of these teachers have found their calling and they are damn good at what they do. Me on the other hand, I'm taking notes. Passionately, I am not a teacher like them. Passionately, I am a photographer. But I can try to do this teacher thing for a time period. I can do it.

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Sage is forming friendships with her classmates and seeing them play together on the playground blows my mind. The first moment I saw her little body appear almost four years ago is still so strongly fixated into my memories, I can't believe she is now at this stage -running freely around, her legs moving so fast. Her blond hair is lightening up from the sun and little freckles are forming on her nose. She tells me she wants to grow her hair long and wear earrings. The colorful sentences she speaks gives us just a little view into the world of her thoughts. I think I may always feel pressure within myself to keep fostering that part of her. I want her to always imagine. I want her to always play.

Our living situation is interesting for us. Temporarily we are living in an apartment, but we are not apartment people. I love the comfort that my home-base right now brings my family, but I'm excited to find a small house with a yard. We need a garden, it's weird not seeing Kyle digging in the dirt. He's been resourceful with the space we have, though, and has found ways to utilize his passion for horticulture by creating a compost bin in our sun room and a hydroponic system for a few tomato plants. We even have a herb garden thriving in a small makeshift raised bed. I was just chopping up a few handfuls of basil for a quiche the other night and started laughing at the whole situation.

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The evening sun shines brightly into this space causing the inside to heat up to an uncomfortable  temperature. I find myself sweating and know it's time then to turn the air conditioning on for a bit.  We eat at our kitchen table which we relocated to our living room because of its natural light. Sitting down for a meal together is special and there is no reason to sit and eat in a dark space.

As the sun goes down, I turn off the air. I re-open my windows and a mountain breeze will push in, touching my eyes and cheeks. Soon I can feel it dancing all around from room to room as I get Sage ready for bed.

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The hum of our ceiling fan and the words from my book put me to sleep at night. I like hearing Kyle softly breath next to me and will always envy his ability to fall asleep so easily. His skin is warm and tan from his long days spent outside. Simone makes her little snort sounds from the cool bathroom floor. Sage should be tugging at my toes soon, with her pillow in hand, asking to come in our bed. I'll say yes and she'll snuggle in between us and twirl a piece of my hair the rest of the night with her finger. I'll feel loved and comfortable in that moment and think this is all so ordinary and special.

Southward

We moved to Asheville a few weeks ago. Sage, Simone and I ( Oh! And Sage's fish, Jenny) drove into the area on our own, entering Buncombe County with the Walter Mitty Soundtrack playing. 'Space Oddity' by David Bowie came on right as the waves of blue mountains appeared. I rolled down my windows as he sang 'now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare...' and I felt proud of myself.

I learned taking a grandchild away from grandparents that love the way ours do is not easy. Both sets seemed deeply sadden by us leaving and I was beginning to feel guilty as our moving date approached closer. My boss and I had a beer after my last day of work and I asked him if I was being selfish for taking her away and he said I wasn't- -"you guys are young. Go live and explore and take her with you, it will be good for her." I felt a wave of relief wash over me from his words and finished my beer agreeing. We parted ways a little after that, giving each other a big hug, both acknowledging how great it was that our paths crossed.

I broke down and cried when I gave Ann a hug goodbye. It was an accumulation of all the emotions I had been carrying with me that past week colliding together, I think. In that instance, it hit me that our embrace marked the final end to an era. That was it, we were off. Tears flowed out and letting them felt so right. Once I got back in my car and started driving, I wiped them all away and the wind pouring in through my windows dried the rest up because everything about this drive- this move- felt just as right.

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My low pressure oil light came on while I was traveling down. What the hell does that mean anyway? Having to deal with this with a toddler and golden retriever in the back was not something I felt like doing. I was upset with myself for not knowing more about cars. I was upset with myself for not taking it to get a quick maintenance before I left. I didn't want to end up on the side of the road but still just decided to ignore it for the time being to see if it would turn off. It actually did, too! But then it came back on.

Damnit!! 

I knew I had to deal with it then. I took the next exit and drove to the closes gas station. I saw there was an auto shop next to it and decided to walk on over to see if this was a situation I needed to take care of right away.

I carried Sage on my hip. She was barefoot and confused. The mechanic told me I needed oil and he could help me if I pulled in the garage in the back. I pulled in. He had missing teeth and a thick southern accent. I didn't know if I should like him. I was thankful he quickly put the oil in and showed me where to pay.

I got out of my car and noticed two other men that I didn't see before behind the counter. I could tell the older, heavier one checked my body out as I approached him. That felt gross to me and my gut was nagging at my insides alerting me to beware- it hated the energy in the place. I had to give them my information and I ended up getting a bit testy at the end because this transaction thing was taking too long. I started thinking of how I was going to protect myself if one of them tried putting their hands on me or my daughter. Warrior Mama would have come out, I tell you. I truly believe I would have found the power to hurt them if I had to.

Nothing happened, though. I paid my sixteen dollars and the guys waved me off making my final two hour drive into Asheville worry free.  My sensor light went off and I soared the rest of the way there. I thought a little bit about making prejudgments toward people during my drive, but, really, I'm learning to trust my feelings more and more in situations, and I'm not convinced I made any.
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We drive down a road into the River Art's District after a day of walking around and biking by the river. It is later in the day when the sun is low and bursting with orange hues. This light and the tree branches collide together creating a strobe like effect as we move on forward. We take a turn and see a small group of bikers that look our age heading towards the main city. One of the bikers carries a kid carrier book bag for hiking on her back with her dog comfortably placed in the inside. My heart melted once I saw the dog, it seriously was one of the cutest things I ever seen. The dog seemed so happy in there, so down for the ride, so full of life.

I've been going to yoga again and my body feels that good kind of soreness from it right now. The room we practice in is big and the yoga community is donation based. Whatever you can afford that week is what you pay. No more than $15, $5 is great too.  I sit on my mat and listen to the teacher. She tells us to open our hearts and take note of our breaths. I'm still trying to figure out the breath thing, but I always feel grateful to be there. So incredibly happy I showed up.

beautifully bold

We pulled into the parking lot running a little late. I'm always running a little late. I don't know why I always put myself in this position, but I consistently do. I parked and made my way to Sage in her car seat and told her with excitement, "Look we made it! Here we are again! At the ice skating rink for lessons- aren't you happy and excited?!" And then I see that she actually was not at all. Little tears fell from her eyes as she tells me she does not want to go in. I had to dismiss this and pretend not to hear her. She's been dreaming about ice skating for months and months and has only been to a few lessons so far. I could tell the experience was a bit scary and uncomfortable for her, but I thought, life is just that and she will get through this.

I helped guide her out of the car seat and zipped her coat up to her chin. 'In we go', I say, as I swing her toddler self on my hip always amazed at how well a woman's figure can hold a child right there in that place- like a puzzle piece being matched up with the space it was made for. My heart aches a little in that moment at the realization that my small frame can barely handle the weight of her growing body these days. Time is fleeting as an adult, it wasn't long ago I was nursing her to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night to make sure she was breathing. Now I'm lugging her into a building to glide on ice.

While walking in I notice other women hustling in, exuding a kind of superpower to me that I think would surprise them if I told them this. They patiently carry babies in car seats and on their hips, all while another one trails behind. I wonder how they mange all that without falling apart. I feel so proud of them for showing up because I'm not sure I could do that myself in their position.

Sage and I reach the lobby where I lace up her skates. She stands up and I hold her hand tight as we venture into the main rink area. I guide her to the entrance and bend down to help nudge her on. I see a smile form on her cheeks as she sends the sweetest wave to the classmates she barely knows but confidently calls her friends. I'm feeling like she can really do this as her blades touch the ice and she grabs the hand of her teacher.

I step back- taking notice each time she scans the side wall to make sure I'm there.  Every time our eyes meet a wave of warmth washes over me, I can literately feel the love and gratitude fill my beating heart. I think this connection, this mother- child connection, is so damn fierce. It is so concrete and complex and deep. I'm her comfort and she is my comfort.

And she did really well for awhile, but then her hands got too cold. She wanted to stop and I met her at an opening in the rink and picked her up off the ice. I held her tight and placed a heavy kiss on her cheek. Her comfort wildly protecting and loving her little girl always. She was brave and did all I wanted her to do. Now it was time to get her warm again.

notes lately

 " In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. 
  In all the world, there is no love for you like mine."  -Maya Angelou

"While I feel inspired by and sure of my lifestyle in the giant, oceanic sense, I indeed have waves of doubt and insecurity. It's remarkable that I can feel lost when moving in the right direction with a functional compass." -Nici Cline

"I wish people would stop judging each other and stop tying their self worth to a paycheck."

"Trust your gut, go with your instincts."

 "Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard."- Anne Sexton

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple." - Jack Keronac

A small medley of quotes that have gathered in the pages of my notebook the past couple months. Randomly assorted throughout- layered in between other notes that I scribbled out in an effort to declutter my brain and make my handwriting better. 

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I wasn't quite sure how to start this, so I figured I'd just begin by saying the gray skies that have been hanging around here for the last few days have lifted and the light blue that now canopies above us is absolutely stunning. There is not a cloud in sight and the color contrasts so well with the white snow on the ground. I knew it would be like this. I saw the sunrise this morning and I thought to myself, today is going to be beautiful. 

I feel as if I have come out of a bit of a hibernation this week. As if recently I was huddled deep inside a winter flower that has now bloomed to see the blue skies too. My body unfolding with the petals and standing up strong in the bright light. I breath in the fresh, cold winter air and shake out my hair with a smile on my face. 

We have been waiting patiently to hear from jobs and schools. And finally we have heard a little bit. A decline from a school, which is fine. There are a couple more that may give my man a chance and we shall see probably in the next few weeks what they think. And if they say, "so sorry, but thank you for considering us as your next step in your career", we will smile at each other and drink a beer and go on a bike ride because after all we are not completely convinced we need them anyway.

And job inquiries and other meetings will be veering my family down south shortly too. Nothing may come of these. But they are possibilities. They are opportunities. They are rejuvenation. They are platforms that may brew about inspiration and guidance as we press on together. They are flowers opening up to light shining in.